


All Out and Over

by Penndragon27, RedPaprika



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Ace Morgana, Alternate Universe - Circus, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Angst, Disabled Character, Doctor Merlin (Merlin), Enemies to Friends to Lovers, M/M, Major Character Injury, Minor Character Death, Trapeze Artist Arthur, hurt Arthur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:22:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 31,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24058918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Penndragon27/pseuds/Penndragon27, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedPaprika/pseuds/RedPaprika
Summary: To its occupants, Camelot Circus is a place of animals, excitement, and wonder.To Merlin, though, it is something much darker.
Relationships: Gwen/Lancelot/Morgana (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 73
Kudos: 100
Collections: Merlin Reverse Bang Round 2





	1. Lining Up

**Author's Note:**

> *Casually doesn't look at date* Okay, so this reverse is hella late and bless RedPaprika for putting up with me AND for all her amazing art. 
> 
> Thank you aoigensou for the beta and hope you enjoy!
> 
> Story title- Circus slang for the end of a performance  
> The chapter titles are various trapeze terms

The air whistled in Arthur’s ears, blocking out everything else. He couldn’t hear the screaming crowds even though he knew they were there. After all, who would miss out on the chance to see the Knight Flyer, the pride of Camelot Circus?

He stretched out his arms, his heart racing even though he knew that Percy was going to catch him. He watched the chalk cloud as their hands clasped and Arthur swung around. No matter what happened in his life, nothing could compare to the feeling of flying through the air, sometimes pretending that Percy wasn’t holding him and it was just Arthur, on his own, wind pricking his skin and hair whipping back and forth.

The routine was almost over and he nodded at Percy, preparing for the big finish. The swings were lowered to bring them closer to the ground, but it was still a fair drop. You did not want to fall without proper preparation.

He tuned everything out, counting time to the blood pumping in his ears. He had to blink sweat out of his eyes, but the chalk kept his hands dry as Percy swung him around. Then, on the last push, he let go.

He couldn’t hear it, but he knew the crowd gasped. He immediately tucked his limbs in and spun through the air for one, two, then three flips before extending and bracing, knees slightly bent to absorb the impact.

 _Smack._ He hit the ground and there was a second of silence that stretched on for days. Then his hands were in the air, a wide grin on his face, and he could hear them. The cheers, the claps, the whoops of laughter. They loved him.

* * *

“Mediocre,” Uther stated, looking at his son with a bored expression. Arthur somehow felt small, even though his father was the one sitting. 

“What?” Arthur’s throat was dry, as though he had inhaled some of the dust during the show. He was still sweaty and his outfit was sticking to his skin, but he couldn’t change until the meeting was over.

“The force out in the second half was hesitant and you didn’t reach maximum height, I’ve seen you go much further during practice. It impacted the hollow and the sweep and God knows Trickler will have noticed it. Alined will discredit us by the end of the week.”

“The audience loved it, though,” Arthur tried, but gave up at Uther’s withering look. “I’m sorry, father. I’ll practice harder.”

Uther looked back to his papers in a clear dismissal. “Good. Send Percy in.”

Arthur swallowed the lump in his throat and left, giving Percy a nod on his way out. His partner looked like he was going to be sick as he went into the office, but Arthur couldn’t help feeling jealous. Uther would criticize Percy, of course, but he would also praise him. There was always a debate between being feared and loved, but Uther managed to use them both in his quest for power. And since he already had substantial power over his son, he felt only fear was necessary to keep him in line.

Back in his trailer, he peeled the spandex outfit from his skin, grateful for the chalk there to keep it from permanently attaching to his body. He showered and changed into sweats, wanting to collapse onto his couch and not move for a few hours, but he couldn’t. Considering how much money went into making his trailer nicer than everyone else’s, he spent surprisingly little time there. It was really just a place to shower and sleep, because if there was ever a moment of spare time, Arthur had to spend it training. He wanted to spend it training.

The arena was empty, most people resting after such a busy day, so Arthur sat right in the middle and began his stretches, pressing his forehead to his knees as he gripped his feet. 

Since he was alone, he couldn’t practice anything too risky. He hooked himself up to the harness and made sure the net was secure before climbing up to the bar.

He kept it simple, a couple half turns back and forth. There wasn’t much he could do without a catcher, but he made sure his legs were straight, hoping that if it was instinctive enough he wouldn’t mess up in the next show.

After a few more moves, he felt his stomach rumble in a plea for food and prepared himself for a reverse suicide.

He executed it perfectly, of course, and felt the usual swoop in his stomach as he landed in the net. For a brief moment he lay there, staring at the ceiling and remembering when he was little and he was first taught the flying trapeze. Whenever he’d get frustrated with a move, his limbs too small to do anything like the _real_ trapeze artists could, his father would pick him up and toss him onto the net, laughing. He had liked Arthur back then, before everything he did was a disappointment.

The knots began to dig into his back, so he rolled over to stand on the firm ground once more. Rubbing at his eyes, he headed towards the cafeteria, even though he wasn’t that hungry anymore.

He was halfway there when a loud shout came just soon enough for him to jump out of the way as a large cart full of ventilated crates crossed his path. 

“New shipments, Aredian?” Arthur asked.

The zookeeper barely glanced at Arthur before returning to watching the workers with a careful eye.

“Yes, a couple bears. They seem feisty, but I’ll have them broken in soon enough.”

Arthur couldn’t hold back the shiver he always got when Aredian talked about the animals. Still, he couldn’t help trying to peek into one of the crates, only for it to start shaking violently and emit a loud growl. He took a couple steps back.

“Good luck, then.”

Aredian nodded and shouted orders until the cart was back on its way to the menagerie and Arthur reached the cafeteria. It wasn’t too crowded, most people having eaten already, so he didn’t have to wait long for his food.

He smiled at Mary as she spooned him his specially chosen diet and only received a grunt in response. None of the other trapeze artists were there, so Arthur sat alone, picking at green beans and staring longingly at Derian, the circus strongman, and his giant helping of beef and potatoes. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d just eaten for pleasure, rather than sustenance. There was cake at his birthday, but he could only have one piece.

He was just contemplating how much flavour the bland chicken could add to the bland green beans when a tray was plopped across from him.

Gaze lifting, he saw a ratty flannel shirt that led to a pointed face with a wide grin and the most absurd ears he had ever seen on another person. And he lived in a circus.

“Are you a new clown?” 

The man’s smile faltered, his blue eyes widening in faint surprise, and then he crossed his arms.

“Are you always such a prat?”

Arthur was saved from floundering for a response by a voice calling out “Ah, Merlin. There you are.”

Gaius, the carnival physician, gave Arthur a nod in greeting before turning to the man. Merlin, apparently.

“I told you not to go wandering off, boy.”

“I’m not a kid, Gaius,” Merlin said in a tone that implied this was a reoccurring conversation.

“Hm, could’ve fooled me.”

Merlin rolled his eyes, but there was a fondness there. Arthur had known Gaius since he was born, but he had never seen or heard of this _Merlin_ who seemed so close to him. Gaius seemed to realize this too.

“Oh, where are my manners? This is Merlin Emrys, my godson. He just finished medical school with a specialization in sports medicine, so he’ll be working with me for a while. Merlin, this is Arthur Pendragon, our star flyer.”

Arthur waited for Merlin to look guilty at hearing who Arthur was, but it never came. He just gave Arthur a onceover before nodding, as though making some judgement about him. Arthur felt his blood boil.

“How long will he be here?” Arthur was looking at Gaius, but Merlin answered.

“Not sure, really. My professor has some connections he’s looking into, so I may be out of your hair in a few months.”

“Wonderful.”

Merlin smiled at him, as though he had no idea how insufferable he was being, and eagerly dug into his mashed potatoes, because a physician’s assistant didn’t require much of a specialty menu. Gaius cleared his throat awkwardly.

“Well, I have some errands I should run. Merlin, you know your way back to your quarters?”

Merlin nodded and Arthur narrowed his eyes, hating Merlin’s awkward half-shrug. He seemed the type to have people fawning over how _sweet_ and _innocent_ he was, all the while being a manipulative bastard. 

Merlin frowned for a moment and Arthur worried he’d said something out loud. Not that he cared what Merlin thought, but he wouldn’t want to insult Gaius, who was still within earshot.

“I saw your show today,” Merlin had an Irish accent, Arthur finally noticed. He waited for the praise, but instead all he got was, “If you extend your legs more you’d have a higher lift.”

Arthur saw red, but not before seeing Merlin’s cheeky wink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter up tomorrow :)


	2. Heels Off

Camelot Circus was bright, colourful, and filled with the sounds and smells of his childhood. It made Merlin sick.

And yet he endured it, as seemed to be his lot in life. His first day was long and full of new people he would have to live with for the foreseeable future. Like Arthur Pendragon.

He didn’t have high expectations for the son of the likes of Uther, but he couldn’t help the flash of disappointment when Arthur fit everything Merlin had been told about him. Arrogant. Rude. Handsome.

When the evening arrived and Merlin was back in Gaius’ trailer, he wanted nothing more than to throw himself onto his cot and sleep. His phone, however, thought that was the perfect time to vibrate against his thigh.

**you in?**

Merlin stared at the message until it turned blurry before sending an affirmative response. His phone buzzed barely a second later.

**Annes**

Merlin bit his lip at the word before typing back.

**Sóþcyning**

Stuffing his phone into his pocket, Merlin gave his cot one last look before leaving again. Even though he was allowed to walk around, he was quiet and stuck to the shadows. Best not to invite unwanted questions.

The menagerie was devoid of people, but still noisy. He walked along the cages, chest aching as he saw the forlorn eyes peering out at him. He stopped by a scrawny donkey and pulled out an apple from his pocket.

The donkey ate it quickly before sniffing around Merlin for more and he had to step back. The creature brayed angrily and Merlin shushed him.

“Hey, no need to be an ass about it.”

He gave a wide grin and he knew that if the donkey could, he would be rolling his eyes. Realizing Merlin wasn’t going to be giving any more food, he turned to retreat to the corner of his cramped space.

Merlin’s smile fell and he sighed sadly. He reached out a hand, but then there was a quiet mewl behind him.

He went over to the cage across from the donkey. It was dark inside, hiding its contents, so he raised a hand and his eyes flashed gold. Small flames flickered into existence in front of him, floating gently. He stepped forward to get a better look when he heard footsteps approaching.

The lights went out with a thought and Merlin couldn’t look back as he raced out of the menagerie. 

* * *

The next morning saw Merlin staring blankly into his bowl of oatmeal, stirring slowly, but never bringing the spoon to his lips.

“Cinnamon can fix that, if you can get your hands on it.”

A glass bottle of the spice was thrust in front of his face and he looked up to see a smiling, rugged face.

“Not sure about that frown, though. Cinnamon will help, of course, but some things require more power. Maybe if I could find some chocolate or if someone would sell me cotton candy.”

Merlin felt his lips turn up despite his mood and nodded when the man gestured to the seat across from him.

“I’m Gwaine, resident stuntman. You?”

“Merlin, Gaius’ apprentice.”

Gwaine’s eyebrows rose. “An educated man? What are you doing in such rough territory?”

Merlin shrugged and Gwaine held the cinnamon over his oatmeal, sprinkling when Merlin gave him the go ahead. He finally took a bite after and he had to admit that it did help. At least with the taste, but Gwaine’s endearing presence was helping with the rest.

“Figured I’d take some time here for experience before applying for a fellowship. Looks good on the resume and all that.” The answer was rehearsed enough to feel natural, though it still left a bitter taste in his mouth that no spice could cover up.

“Awesome! Everyone loves Gaius here, should only be a matter of time before we love you, too.”

Gwaine gave a wink and Merlin had to fight a blush. If he were here under any circumstances, he would probably end up flirting back, maybe have a drunken one night stand with this man.

He subtly checked out the bit of toned chest peeking out of his shirt. Maybe a two night stand.

But he had no time for distractions. He was here for a reason and there was no use complicating matters further. Besides, why complicate things with this stuntman through sex when he could be a useful ally?

“I’m afraid I’m too busy trying to get my bearings to try and win the favour of the people. I don’t suppose you can provide some insider knowledge on how things work here?”

Gwaine gave a grin and turned in his chair so he could point as he spoke.

“Well, I highly recommend becoming friends with Gwen, the stagehand. She’s really nice and if you’re in her good books she can get you into anywhere. Even the kitchens for a midnight snack.”

Merlin followed Gwaine’s finger to a pretty girl sitting at a table, laughing next to a handsome fellow. This circus was not lacking for attractive people.

“That’s her boyfriend, Lance. He works with the animals right now, but everyone knows he’s dying to have an act. Be especially nice to him.”

“Why?” Was Lance dangerous?

Gwaine fixed him with a sharp look. “Because he is the kindest person in the circus and being mean to him is like kicking a puppy. Maybe worse.”

Merlin smiled. “Of course.”

“The one you should be scared of is Morgana, Lance and Gwen’s girlfriend and expert on the aerial silks. Seriously, watching her will get you to believe in magic. She’s Uther’s ‘niece’, but we all know she’s his illegitimate child. Can’t be a proper business tycoon without a good scandal.”

Gwaine was smirking at the gossip and Merlin schooled his expression into one of mild surprise as his brain whirred with the new information. Lance and Gwen were definitely important friends to have and Morgana…. Did the others know? If they did, wouldn’t they have told Merlin before going in? More information was definitely required.

“Who was her mother?”

Gwaine looked ecstatic at the question. “The wife of Uther’s best friend. It doesn’t get much juicier than that. Apparently Vivienne was there to comfort him after Ygraine’s death. No one thought much of it until a few years later, when Vivienne and Gorlois died, and a young Morgana appeared in our circus as Uther’s supposed niece. She’s way too similar to Uther to not be his daughter.”

“She’s like Uther?”

“I mean, a smarter and more dangerous version, but more or less. Be wary, if she likes you you’re golden. If she doesn’t… well, there’s a reason Sophia Sidhe is no longer involved in the circus.”

Merlin swallowed. He knew Sophia, probably more than the circus did. She was one of them, until she went rogue on a mission and Merlin had to…

“What about Arthur?”

Gwaine raised an eyebrow. “Not really my type, but if you like pompous gits.”

Merlin frowned. “You’re allowed to say things like that about the owner’s son?”

“It’s no secret, except maybe from him. His head is so far up that shapely arse of his he doesn’t notice.”

Merlin felt that faint disappointment at having his assumptions confirmed again. “He’s really that bad?”

“He probably doesn’t mean to be, but he’s a bit ignorant to how the world works. He’s great on trapeze, I’ll give him that, but never to his face. Don’t want his head getting too big or he’ll fall off one of them swings.”

Merlin nodded. “I met him. You’re definitely not wrong.”

“You’ll learn quick, Merlin, I’m never wrong.”

Gwaine winked and Merlin couldn’t help but laugh. It was startling and a little unfamiliar, but it helped to cheer him up.

“I feel like others may disagree.”

Gwaine waved him off and Merlin scraped the last of his breakfast into his mouth.

“I should probably get to work. Thank you for the insight.”

“Of course. It’s my duty to help out weary travellers. Especially the fit ones.”

Merlin rolled his eyes despite blushing and with a last wave, went to meet Gaius.


	3. Bullet Drop

When Merlin’s phone buzzed, he was running across the grounds to deliver a message to the chef for Gaius. It buzzed again when he reached the kitchens and again after his rushed conversation.

Leaning against a wall, he took his phone out.

**can you meet?**

**tonight?**

**answer asap**

Merlin frowned at his phone, but responded accordingly.

**I can be there at midnight**

**Annes**

A response came in immediately.

**Sóþcyning**

“That does not look like a fun conversation.”

Merlin jumped, scrabbling to put his phone back in his pocket as Morgana appeared in front of him, eyebrow raised in question.

“Oh, no conversation,” he plastered on a smile. “Just lost a game of Snake.”

Morgana smiled and Merlin shivered.

“My apologies. I too have suffered at the hands of that reptile.”

“Don’t you mean scales?”

Morgana was taken aback and Merlin awaited his impending doom, but then she laughed.

“You’re a dork, aren’t you?”

Merlin shrugged and she linked their arms, leading him away from the kitchens.

“So you’re Gaius’ new assistant? Arthur told me about you.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

Morgana laughed again. “Never apologize for annoying Arthur. It’s a personal hobby of mine. Besides, it was so amusing to see his face that red.”

Merlin didn’t know how to respond. He felt like he was being tested and he was always terrible at oral exams. 

“Tell me about yourself.”

“Er, well, I wanted some experience before trying for a fellowship. Gaius is my godfather-”

“Oh, I know all that,” she waved a hand dismissively. “Before that. Growing up, where you’re from, single or taken, gay or straight or maybe both. Maybe neither.”

Merlin wondered if the kitchen had eggs left because he was pretty sure his face could fry one.

“Oh, um, I’m from Ealdor. Small town, basically one field. And I’m… not looking to date right now. Focus on studies and all that.”

Merlin tried to keep eye contact, but didn’t last long. Morgana hummed in interest.

“Avoiding the sexual orientation question, I see. You know this is a circus, right? We’re hardly the type to judge. I mean, I’m an asexual in a poly relationship. Have you met Gwen and Lance yet? They’re both absolute dears.”

“Um, no, not yet,” Merlin paused to wrap his head around the new information. He wasn’t used to people being so blasé about their sexuality. “And I’m pan, I guess.”

“Lovely. Say the word and I have dozens of people who would fall in love with you instantly.”

Merlin squirmed. “No, really. I don’t want to date right now. I-it’s-”

“Complicated?”

Merlin nodded and Morgana smirked.

“Well, now I must know details. He? She? They? What happened? Is it love?”

“Um, she. She and I dated in uni.”

“And now?”

Merlin tried to convey his discomfort, but Morgana was like a cat with a string, reaching for the truth obsessively no matter how much Merlin wanted to pull away.

“We’re sort of on a break now, I guess.” Merlin’s mouth went dry as he frantically tried to explain his situation.

“Tell me about her,” Morgana’s voice went soft, changing gears as she finally decided to back off. For now.

“She’s so kind,” Merlin said. “Beautiful, too, but just the sweetest person. She’s not had an easy life, but she would smile and it was like the world… stopped for a moment.” Merlin didn’t mention when he first met her and accidentally _did_ stop time.

“Once we were walking and this man asked for change. I tried to pull her away because there were tracks on his arms and I didn’t want the money to just go for drugs. She didn’t listen and instead went to the nearest shop and bought him juice and a sandwich. He was so happy and she was so happy and I-”

“Well,” Morgana’s voice was thick. “If she loves you half as much as you love her, I think things will work out.”

“Thanks,” Merlin smiled at her, even knowing she was wrong. Her grey-green eyes were shining like a lake in the sun and Merlin felt like he had made a good friend.

“Well,” Morgana regained her composure, gaze hardening to steel. “I’m sure you have errands to run so I’ll leave you to it.”

“Nice to meet you,” he let Morgana hug him, enjoying the protective feeling before letting go. With a wave she turned and with a blink she was gone.

* * *

That night found Merlin sneaking out once more, but this time it was not to the menagerie. Instead he was heading for the exit and was doing a good job until he ran straight into Arthur Pendragon.

“Watch where you’re going, you bumbling fool!”

“Sorry, sorry. No need to be a prick about it.”

Arthur leveled him with a glare and Merlin stood his ground, arms crossed in defiance.

“You really have no sense of self-preservation do you? Or are you just an idiot?”

“Can’t it be both?” Merlin smiled and Arthur pursed his lips.

“With you, I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“Right, fun as this is, I should be off.”

Arthur crossed his arms as Merlin let his fall. “It’s almost midnight.”

“Oh look! He can tell time!” Merlin exclaimed sarcastically.

“I mean, what are you doing out?” Arthur rolled his eyes.

“Oh, you know, running some last minute errands. Busy bee, that’s me.”

“Right.”

“Why are you out? Don’t you need your beauty sleep or…. I don’t know, do you just plug into the wall for the night to charge?”

“That’s none of your business,” Arthur said harshly. Merlin raised his eyebrows and he softened slightly.

“Whatever. Just watch where you’re going next time.”

“Aye, cap’n,” Merlin saluted and Arthur rolled his eyes before leaving. 

Merlin watched until he was gone before continuing on his way, leaving the circus and making the short trek to the nearby town and its small pub.

He ordered a pint and spotted a young man in the corner, nursing his own drink.

“Are you even legal yet?” Merlin asked as he sat down. Mordred glared.

“I’m eighteen, not a child.”

Merlin shrugged and took a sip. The beer was terrible, but it was alcohol and helped soothe his nerves a bit.

“Have you infiltrated successfully?”

Merlin rolled his eyes at Mordred’s formality. He was so much younger than the others, he always seemed to try too hard. It didn’t help, it just made him the butt of various jokes.

“It’s going good. I’ve made friends. Uther’s illegitimate daughter, for one. Morgana.”

Mordred raised his brows. “He’s confirmed it?”

“No, but it’s common knowledge amongst the gossip.”

He watched Mordred pull out a notebook and scribble something down. 

“Is that all?”

“It’s only been a couple days, Mordred.”

“We want this done quickly, _Emrys,_ ” he practically spat the name. “I don’t need to remind you of the urgency of the situation.”

Merlin stiffened and took a long draught of his drink. 

“I understand the circumstances,” he said when his thoughts were gathered. 

Mordred smirked. “Then you understand our concern. Getting close to Morgana is good, getting close to Arthur is better. Or Uther, if you can swing it.”

“I’m working on it,” Merlin bit out. “You can run along and tell Nimueh to stop worrying.”

“We’ll still worry,” Mordred sneered.

“Stop pretending you’re anything more than a messenger boy, Mordred. Having me fail won’t help you rise in ranks.”

Mordred gave him a sour look, hating the reminder of his position.

“Just be careful, Merlin. You’re softer than the rest of us and you don’t want to end up crushed.”

“I can handle myself just fine.”

“They killed your father.”

Merlin clenched his hand around the handle of his mug. “I’m well aware.”

“Just making sure you know where your loyalties lie. And why Uther must pay.”

Merlin met Mordred’s smug gaze. “I’m just extraction. Afterwards you all can decide what to do with Uther.”

“Of course,” Mordred nodded. “But missions are tricky. Mistakes happen.”

“I’m not just going to kill Uther,” Merlin hissed, voice low in the noisy pub.

“You’ve killed before,” Mordred reminded, as if Merlin could forget.

“When it was necessary,” he bit out.

Mordred tilted his head. “We don’t want Arthur to just replace him. But, Nimueh wants to make sure he’s affected by the loss.”

“He will be,” Merlin stated.

Mordred smiled and they drank in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annes- Unity
> 
> Sóþcyning- Justice
> 
> (Old English)


	4. Force Out

Arthur’s legs were extended and his flip was flawless. Percival gave him a thumbs up from above, where he was still swinging.

Satisfied, Arthur walked to the side to get some water. Unfortunately, Merlin was there with Gaius.

“Wonderful job, Arthur,” Gaius smiled. Arthur had to return it. After all, it wasn’t Gaius who was annoying.

“Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine,” Gaius said. “Just waiting for Percy. His ankle still needs care after that bad sprain and it seemed the perfect opportunity to work on Merlin’s physical therapy skills.”

Merlin nodded to him and Arthur pointedly ignored him.

“Of course. Have a good day, Gaius.”

He left without so much a glance at Merlin. Because he didn’t care about him and he wanted to make sure Merlin knew he didn’t care about him. 

He headed back to his trailer and gave a groan when he saw Morgana leaning against it,

“What?”

“Hello, Arthur, how are you? I’m good, thanks for asking.”

He rolled his eyes and let her in, collapsing onto his couch as soon as he could. Morgana sat across from him, swaying a little, as though she could easily lie down and take a nap. 

“Where’s your girlfriend?”

“With her boyfriend,” Morgana responded. “How’s your dating life?”

Arthur gave her a dry look and she smirked.

“Have you met Merlin yet? He’s such a sweetie.”

“Gaius’ apprentice?” Arthur asked. When Morgana nodded he huffed. “Seems like an idiot.”

“Oh, it’s part of his charm.”

“Aren’t you taken?”

Morgana laughed. “I was only thinking for you. I think he’s taken, though, and honestly he may be too good for you.”

Arthur choked at the thought of him and _Merlin._ “What the hell, Morgana?”

“What? A nice, attractive, pansexual guy who’s going to be a doctor to boot? You could do a lot worse. You’ve done a lot worse.”

Arthur swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. “Whatever. No point in discussing it if he’s taken, as you said.”

Morgana stifled a yawn before answering. “Yes. Hearing him talk about her… he’s so smitten, it’s kind of adorable.”

“Right. And the reason you’re in my trailer is…?”

“Uther wants you.”

Arthur shot up, ignoring his aching muscles. “And you didn’t lead with that?”

Morgana shrugged. “You need to stop being so obedient. Let him wait a bit.”

“For goodness’ sake. Lock up when you leave, will you?”

Arthur sent her a glare before running out and to his father’s office, stopping a few feet away to catch his breath and appear somewhat presentable.

He raised a hand to knock on the door about two seconds before it swung open, revealing his father.

“Arthur! You’re late.”

“Sorry, Morgana-”

“Nevermind, walk with me.”

Arthur fell in step with Uther’s brisk pace as they headed back the way he came.

“Aredian just called with a situation.”

The air filled with the smell of animals and hay as they entered the menagerie. Aredian stood, tall and imposing in his black cloak. He was staring darkly at a panther pacing inside a cage.

“What’s the problem?”

Aredian frowned as he faced them, blue eyes harsh and cold.

“Our new arrival.”

Uther got a strange look on his face and Arthur opened his mouth to question, but his father spoke first.

“What’s wrong with her?”

“The others were… easily trained, but she doesn’t like to listen. I’ve trained hundreds of animals in my life, but she may not be ready for the next show.”

“She was going to be your main act.”

Aredian crossed his arms. “She’s going to take time.”

Arthur watched the panther pace in her cell, staring gloomily at them with golden eyes. She was a beautiful creature, fur black and sleek. She would definitely draw in crowds, but when Arthur took a step forward, she bared her teeth and growled. Not quite ready for the public.

“Careful, boy,” Aredian warned. “She’s got a fire I haven’t snuffed out yet.”

The panther growled again and Uther placed a hand on Arthur’s shoulder, guiding him back.

“Is there anything we can do to... speed up the process?”

“Maybe,” Aredian pondered. “I can report back to you in a week. I’ll need space and some tools.”

“Make me a list,” Uther said. Aredian nodded and turned back to the cage, staring down the panther until he turned away.

“I should be able to manage it, given the proper resources.”

“I’m counting on you,” Uther said.

At his father’s nod, they left. There was a moment of silence before Uther spoke.

“In case the beast isn’t ready, I need you to work on your set.”

“I managed to fix my leg extension.”

Uther wasn’t impressed. “That routine is not good enough. I need you to prepare something… more. Something worth seeing over a wild panther.”

“Of course, father.”

Uther nodded, stopping to place his hands on Arthur’s shoulders. It was a struggle to meet his gaze.

“I’m counting on you, Arthur.”

He removed his hands, but the pressure remained.


	5. Bird's Nest

Near the end of his first week in the circus, Merlin finally met Gwen and Lance.

He was on his way back to the trailer one evening, dead on his feet, when his eyes accidentally fell shut and then he was on the ground, his bag spilling out.

“Are you okay?”

A pair of hands helped him stand as someone else picked up his things. Drowsiness startled out of him, he finally looked at his saviours.

“Hi, I’m fine, thanks!”

He stepped away from Lance and took his bag from Gwen, smiling gratefully.

“Sorry about that. It’s been a long week.”

“No problem,” Lance rested an arm around Gwen’s shoulders so instinctively and lovingly Merlin feared he might get a cavity.

“You’re Merlin, right?” Gwen held out a hand and Merlin shook it. “Morgana told us about you.”

“Oh, right, yeah. And she told me about you. And Gwaine did.”

Gwen smiled sweetly and Merlin couldn’t help the warm feeling in his chest. Like he was safe. He wished he were in the circus for any other reason so he could actually get to know them and be their friend, but he was betraying them. All of them. He just hoped they’d understand someday.

“Well,” Gwen pulled away from Lance, clearly reluctantly. “I’m going to meet Morgana for supper, so I’ll see you later,” she pecked Lance’s cheek before turning to Merlin. “And I hope to see you around. Maybe not on the ground next time?”

Merlin laughed as she left and Lance looked him over. “You know, I’m just heading to the menagerie to check on the animals. Do you want to come?”

Merlin fought to hide his eagerness. “Sure.”

They walked in awkward silence for a while, both trying to come up with something to say. It was Lance who spoke first.

“Are you settling in so far? Circus life must be different than you’re used to.”

Merlin looked away from Lance, taking in the grounds. He thought back to when he was a kid, running around the small fair in Ealdor. His father would attach him to the harness so they could swing from the trapeze together, Merlin stretching out his arms like wings. 

His mum hated it, worried they’d get hurt, but she’d watch and smile anyway. So happy to listen to Merlin’s bright laughter. At least, until Merlin tried to fly on his own and his mum gave him the usual lecture about using his magic. Or, rather, never using his magic.

“Definitely an adjustment,” Merlin muttered. He felt a sudden shiver and changed the topic. “Gwaine said you wanted to have your own act.”

Lance blushed, smiling sheepishly. “Gwaine loves to talk, doesn’t he?”

Merlin laughed. “Oh definitely. But that sounds so cool! What kind of act were you thinking?”

“I don’t know. I work with the animals, so it makes sense to take over after Aredian, but....”

“But you really want something else?”

Lance nodded. “The truth is I would love to join an aerial act. Specifically…” He lowered his voice as though he were speaking the secrets of the universe. “Trapeze.”

Merlin smiled. “That’s amazing! Have you trained? Can you audition?”

He watched as Lance sank, the brightness of his face snuffed out. “I’m from a less fortunate family. I had a few gymnastics lessons at the community centre, but I’m primarily self-taught. This circus only hires professionally trained artists.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Merlin couldn’t help the sharp anger in his chest. “The whole point of a circus is that it accepts everyone, that it’s a place for people to go when they have nowhere else!”

Lance smiled softly. “Maybe, but this is Uther Pendragon’s circus. He can’t have anything less than the best.”

Merlin’s mind flashed back to his conversation with Mordred. Uther did not make it easy to protect him from Nimueh’s… more violent inclinations. It was taking a lot of effort not to go and punch the tosser in the nose right now.

“What about another circus?”

Lance’s expression was sad, but his eyes stayed full of love. Merlin understood before he even spoke.

“I can’t leave Gwen or Morgana. And they… Morgana has her act and she won’t leave here. I wouldn’t want her to, not for me.”

“She probably would, if you said so.”

“Which is why I don’t say so.”

They exchanged a smile as they reached the menagerie. Merlin’s skin prickled as they entered, the smell hitting his nose and the magic in the air making his blood fizzle.

“Well, here we are. I just have to do the evening feeds, so you’re free to look around. Try not to lose any limbs. Insurance and all that.”

Merlin gave a pained laugh, his chest tight as he looked at the animals clearly, the lights on this time. They all looked at Merlin sadly, but he was pleased to see them brighten when they saw Lance. He was probably the reason the area was as clean as it was. It wasn’t until training, with Aredian, that they would be hurt. Merlin frowned.

“Do you ever help with the training?”

Lance shrugged as he emptied a bucket into a cage. “Not really. Aredian considers himself the greatest trainer in the world and would never divulge his secrets, so this area is closed during training. I just do the cleaning and the feeding.”

“Right,” Merlin watched a zebra chew on some hay, their eyes meeting. The animal seemed to sigh before turning away.

“I know the rumours about circuses and animals,” Lance said. “But I try to make sure they’re as comfortable as possible. I clean their cages every day, change their water every time I pass by-”

“I’m sure you do a great job. They all seem to like you.” 

Lance smiled before his expression went dark. “Not all of them. We got a new arrival and she’s… Well, she’s very scared, which I get, but she’s not eating as much as I’d like her to.”

Merlin fought the dizzy feeling. “Can I see her?”

Lance frowned for a moment before nodding, leading Merlin to the back. In a cage slightly dirtier than the others was a black panther. Merlin’s eyes stung, but he stepped forward. Around her neck was a metal collar with a chunky black box.

“Is that a shock collar?” He narrowly avoided sounding hysterical.

“No, Aredian doesn’t believe in those. It’s just a tracker.”

Merlin nodded slowly, but sent out magic just in case. It wasn’t a shock collar, but it also wasn’t a tracker. It wasn’t electric at all. It was magic.

Ignoring Lance’s nervous expression, he went closer to the cage. The panther saw him and growled, but when he looked her in the eye she stopped. Then she started to purr.

“How did you do that?”

Merlin, eyes never leaving the panther, gave an absent smile. “I spilled soup on myself during lunch. Maybe she smells that?”

Lance laughed and the panther narrowed his eyes. Merlin had to resist the urge to stick his hand through the bars and pet her, lest he give Lance a heart attack.

“Do you think- maybe-”

Merlin finally looked back at Lance, who was deep in thought. 

“What is it?”

“Could you… Would you try feeding her? I’m really worried and she seems to like you. Maybe if you do it-”

“Of course,” Merlin said, hands held out for Lance’s bucket.

Food in hand, he turned back to the cage. Still wary of getting too close and sending Lance into a panic, Merlin tossed in the piece of meat and the panther jumped on it immediately, tearing into it in a way that made Merlin startled and angry.

Merlin turned back to find a very confused looking Lance.

“I was going to give you instructions, but it seems like you’ve done this before.”

Merlin smiled, even if it went a bit stiff. “Oh, I’ve seen a lot of movies. That was stupid of me, though. Should’ve let you tell me how to do it first.”

Lance nodded, clearly still skeptical. Thankfully, he didn’t say anything else.

“I better finish up. Let me know when you leave so I don’t accidentally lock you in.”

“For sure. Thanks, Lance, this was fun.”

Lance smiled and went back to work. Merlin turned back to the panther, hands reaching for the metal bars, but not quite touching. His eyes flashed and a small light appeared in his hand, illuminating her scared face.

“I’ll get you out, Freya. I promised to take care of you,” he whispered.

She didn’t answer. She couldn’t.


	6. Sweep

Arthur was sweaty and smelled worse than the animals, but he went straight to the cafeteria after practice instead of having a shower. He tried to argue, but his stomach had some decent points. Namely, it was empty.

He took his assigned meal and faced the crowded room. He had never been to a real high school, but he didn’t lose out on the experience of being presented numerous tables and not knowing where to sit. Percival had eaten earlier because he stopped practicing at a decent time, but Arthur had to make sure his routine was perfect.

Spotting an empty table, he headed towards it before realizing there was someone else sitting there. Merlin. 

Arthur was about to turn away when his stomach let out a loud growl. Who cared if Merlin was there? He’d just sit on the other end and focus on his food.

He was barely seated before he dug in. It took all his willpower to savour every bite, as his meal plan was not the most indulgent, and he was chewing a green bean for a good minute when he felt eyes on him. Looking up, he saw Merlin staring at him with a thoughtful expression.

Arthur regretfully swallowed the bite. “Can I help you?”

“Nope,” Merlin turned back to his tray. He had strawberries, bright and sweet smelling. How he got them, Arthur had no clue, but he wanted. 

He looked back at his monotone meal and was surprised when there was a flash of red and a berry landed on his tray, narrowly missing his stew. Arthur looked up, lips pursed.

“It’s payment,” Merlin said, cheeky grin spreading. “Either shower or deodorant, but something has to be done.”

Arthur’s face went sour. “It’s called hard work and exercise. You should try it sometime.”

Merlin shrugged and placed a strawberry into his mouth. Arthur avoided watching those pink lips wrap around the fruit as he bit down. Totally avoided it and it was not seared into his mind forever.

Face heating (and not from his training), Arthur looked at his own strawberry and, not even pretending to hesitate, ate it in one bite. It was delicious.

“Thanks,” he mumbled.

Merlin shrugged. “Most people are too scared to insult you, but someone had to say something. I think I saw a fly actually die when it flew too close to you.”

“Please. And you always smell like sunshine and daisies?”

Merlin nodded seriously. “Almost exclusively.”

Arthur snorted before he could stop it and Merlin looked proud of himself, the idiot. Then he hesitated before speaking.

“Can I ask you something?”

“The fruit was either payment for a shower or for a question, it’s up to you.”

Merlin’s mouth quirked up in amusement before his bottom lip caught between his teeth. Arthur once more struggled to look away.

“You’re a trapeze artist and good at it, but… is that all you do here? Your father runs the circus, surely you must help out with that.”

Arthur was taken aback at the question and immediately went on defense. “Why do you care?”

Merlin held up his hands in defeat. “Morgana’s been on my case about us hating each other and I was trying to make amends. I’m sure you’re not a prat on purpose.”

“You’re really bad at this making friends thing.”

Merlin shrugged and ate another strawberry. Arthur pointedly didn’t look.

“So the strawberry was actually a peace offering, not payment.”

“Oh, it was definitely payment. Because you stink. But, I can give you another one in peace.”

He held out the fruit and Arthur took it, almost magical in his ability to make it vanish in the blink of an eye. 

“You never answered my question, so I’m guessing that’s a sore point. Don’t you like how your father runs the circus?”

Arthur clenched his jaw. “My father is a brilliant businessman and built this circus from nothing. I try to be involved when I can, but right now I’m of more use as a trapeze artist.”

Merlin’s eyes darkened, but he nodded. “He is a great businessman.”

Arthur opened his mouth to question the reaction, but Merlin stood up.

“I should get going. See you around.”

Arthur nodded as he walked away, feeling confused. Merlin had left a few strawberries behind, but Arthur didn’t touch them.

* * *

Arthur was showered and smelling a lot better as he walked through the grounds. Part of him was itching to practice more, but Gaius had often warned him of overdoing it and injuring himself. He couldn’t take that risk, no matter how much work he needed to do.

He turned a corner and saw Gwen leaning against a wall, Morgana talking to her as their hands were linked and swinging back and forth. Arthur approached them.

“Hey.”

“Arthur,” Gwen smiled warmly. Morgana smiled less warmly.

“How are you, dear brother?”

He rolled his eyes. “You know that’s a big scandal, right? You shouldn’t be going around calling me that.”

Morgana shrugged. They had both been upset when they found out what Uther had done, but they were already basically siblings anyway, so it didn’t change much between them. It had definitely put a wedge between Morgana and Uther, though, and they’d been short with each other ever since. Arthur figured it was probably because of her that the family secret wasn’t so secret.

“How’s your routine for the next show going?”

“It’s good.”

Arthur tried not to resent the confidence in her voice. Morgana had been trained in aerial acrobatics almost as long as Arthur and trapeze and he never heard Uther critique her. Maybe he was just trying to get her to forgive him. Or maybe she was just perfect and Arthur was terrible.

“Maybe I should practice some more…”

Arthur started to leave, but Morgana pulled him back. She opened her mouth to say something, but then there was a shout behind them. Suddenly, there were people running and shouting. Arthur had no idea what was going on until he heard a loud growl.

“The panther’s escaped!”

Arthur’s stomach dropped and his vision swam as he tried to figure out what to do, how to protect everyone.

“Gwen, Morgana, run.”

“Arthur, I-”

“Go!”

He shouted it and there was a flash of fear on Morgana’s face before she listened, taking off and pulling Gwen behind her. 

He could see the dark shape of the beast getting closer and then it changed direction. Arthur ran after it despite not knowing what the heck he was doing. Then he saw that it was heading right towards Merlin, who was carrying a heavy bag and frozen in shock as the animal came into sight.

“Merlin, get out of the way!”

Merlin didn’t listen, instead he just looked confused. Arthur shouted and waved, hoping to get the panther’s attention, but it was zeroing in on Merlin. Arthur looked around wildly when he spotted it. They were near a training area, which meant if he could just find…

Within seconds he had a throwing knife in his hand and before he could worry about his terrible aim it was soaring through the air and, with a sickening sound, it pierced the beast’s side.

The panther wailed and Merlin’s face was ashen from nearly being killed. The beast let out a whimper and stumbled away, turning a corner. It wouldn’t be able to get too far, though, so Arthur had time to go get help.

Arthur ran towards Merlin, expecting gratitude. Instead, Merlin was looking at him in absolute horror.

“Are you okay?”

“Y-you-you killed her.”

Arthur scoffed. “Well, she was about to kill you. A thanks would be welcome.” Why was Merlin so ungrateful? It wasn’t like he expected a heartfelt kiss or anything, but a little acknowledgement of his heroism wouldn’t be terrible.

“She wasn’t- I- I have to-”

Merlin turned and ran off, leaving Arthur alone and standing in a pool of blood.


	7. Hollow

Merlin couldn’t see anything. He wasn’t sure if he was crying or he was running too fast or maybe his eyes weren’t even open, but it was only due to pure adrenaline (and maybe a bit of magic) that he hadn’t tripped or ran straight into a wall.

His head was fuzzy and he couldn’t form a coherent thought. All he could do was try to find her. Follow her magical trace, follow the blood.

Freya hadn’t gone far, being injured, and Merlin found her in an abandoned area, huddled in the corner.

Blood matted her fur and she lay on his side, knife still lodged. Merlin knelt beside her, not caring that he was getting covered in blood. He was a doctor. He could save her.

First, he grabbed the collar around her neck and with an instinctual burst of magic it broke free. The panther disappeared and instead there was a scared, dying girl.

Merlin pulled off his sweater to cover her up, but left the wound open so he could look at it.

“Merlin-”

“Shh, it’s gonna be okay,” his voice was weak, tears flowing freely. The wound was bad, really bad. He magicked his hands clean so he could work, but there wasn’t much he could do. There was so much blood.

“Merlin, please-”

“I’ll save you, Freya. I promised you.”

He whispered a spell. Nothing happened. He said another. Some skin started to knit together before ripping again. Freya screamed.

Merlin was terrible with healing magic. It was why he went to medical school, so he could learn. So he wouldn’t let anyone else die. But he was going to fail. Again.

“Freya, you can’t leave me. I’ll take care of you, I promised.”

“You did, Merlin,” she smiled. Merlin couldn’t understand how her eyes could be so soft, so happy, when she was in so much pain. He felt panic swelling, knowing that soon people would come looking for an injured panther. Hopefully when Aredian found the broken collar, he’d think she managed to break the enchantment. Would he continue looking for the girl, too? Or would he chalk her up as useless and forget about it? It was unlikely that Freya could be connected back to the circus. Besides, Merlin had no intention of leaving her here. 

Just in case, he murmured a quick concealment spell, so anyone who passed would suddenly remember somewhere else they had to be.

“Why did you escape? I was coming for you.” Merlin wiped his eyes, his arm rubbing away the tears and making his skin itch. He took Freya’s hand, holding it up so he could kiss it.

“When I was… transformed. It made things fuzzy. I couldn’t hear you, I just knew it was you and I needed to be close. I haven’t seen you in so long. I’m sorry, I-”

Merlin shushed her, shifting so that he could cradle her, strokin her hair and rocking them back and forth. He didn’t bother wiping away the fresh tears, not wanting to remove his arms from around Freya.

“Remember our first date?” Her voice was quiet, weak. “When we went swimming in the lake?”

Merlin chuckled. “You mean when you pushed me in?”

“Same thing.” Freya laughed, but it was cut short by the pain. 

Merlin pressed his face into her hair, trying to muffle his sobs. It didn’t work.

“You’ll be okay, Merlin. I know you will.”

“I don’t want to be okay.”

“But I want you to. I want you to be happy.”

“I can’t-”

“Please, Merlin, make sure you’re happy.”

“I’m never happy,” Merlin tried for teasing, but choked. “Except... “

“I love you, Merlin. I never stopped.”

He clutched her tighter. “I love you, too.”

But she didn’t hear it. Because she was gone.

* * *

Merlin watched the flames, eyes dry. Maybe it was the fire, maybe he finally ran out of tears. He almost jumped at the hand placed on his shoulder, but he didn’t have enough energy to even be startled.

“I’m sorry, Merlin. I know what she meant to you.”

Merlin turned away from Freya’s pyre to face Nimueh. Her eyes were sharp, but shining, as though she were also mourning. Merlin wondered if she actually cared about Freya. About him. About anyone but herself.

“You can’t know. She meant more to me than even I can understand.”

Nimueh nodded solemnly. “When Freya brought you to me… she saw something special in you and I could only see it through her eyes. It’s why I took you in. She believed you would save us all and I believe it too.”

Merlin swallowed against the lump in his throat, looking back at the fire. It had burned fierce and fast and was now low and smoldering, the girl he was in love with reduced to ash. Sure, they hadn’t been together for almost a year, but Merlin often believed she was the only one he could fall in love with.

Ceremony over, most of the sorcerers were heading out. Freya was quiet, shy. She didn’t have many friends, so they wouldn’t be mourning her like Merlin would. 

“I thought you were the one we were all supposed to believe in,” Merlin whispered. He wondered if his voice revealed the doubts flying through his head.

“We should all believe in each other.” Nimueh’s hand was still on his shoulder, burning hotter than the flames that had just been raging. “You’re a powerful warlock, Merlin, more than anyone I’ve ever met.”

“More than you?”

Nimueh ignored him, but her grip went tight. “Your abilities should be on the right side. The side of your people. Surely this has shown you what men are capable of? What Pendragons are capable of?”

“I told her I’d get her out. She shouldn’t have escaped.”

Nimueh moved her hand finally, but it was to rest it on his cheek. He wondered if it was burning a mark onto his face.

“She was scared. She was captured and transformed into an animal to serve Uther. Any of us would’ve taken any chance at escape we could find.”

“I said I’d protect her. And I failed.”

Nimueh looked at him sadly and for a moment Merlin saw actual emotion there. Actual humanity.

“Maybe, but you can still avenge her.”

Merlin felt his stomach clench. He wondered if he should warn Nimueh to move away in case he threw up on the ground. Not that he had anything in his stomach to empty.

“You want me to kill Uther.” For the first time since joining them, his first instinct wasn’t to say no.

Nimueh pulled her hand away, arms tucking behind her back.

“It wasn’t just Uther who killed her.”

Merlin swallowed thickly. “Freya was running at me. It… he probably didn’t mean to.”

“Yes, I’m sure he has no idea about what his father’s done. Wake up, Merlin! Uther probably told him all about his secret project and the only reason Arthur would look at them like animals is because that’s how he was taught to see sorcerers.”

Merlin wasn’t sure that was the case, or rather, he didn’t want it to be. Arthur might be arrogant and irritating, but he had never seemed… cruel. At least, not until Merlin had to watch him kill Freya.

“You want to abandon everything, the mission, Uther, just for revenge?”

“I’m not abandoning anything,” Nimueh’s glare was ice. “However, I do believe in justice. Arthur took Freya from you, from us. He should pay. Besides, it’s not as if targeting Arthur will have no effect on his father. It’ll weaken Uther and will, ultimately, help with our original plan.”

Merlin felt his stomach tighten, remembering how upset Freya was when they’d found a dead bird. She’d made them give it a proper burial, complete with a miniature gravestone. 

“This was supposed to be a stealth mission.”

“Uther is a violent man. Apparently we need a less subtle approach to make a difference.”

“So we should just become him, then?”

“You sound like your father,” Nimueh spat. Despite it being meant as an insult, Merlin found himself fighting a smile.

“He also refused to act and look what happened. He’s dead and Uther’s power has only grown. You must understand that if we don’t do something, more people will get hurt. You’ve lost your father, your friends, now Freya. When will it be enough?”

Their eyes met and Merlin heard the tremble in Nimueh’s voice. Emotion. He always doubted if Nimueh was capable of it, but she had started the group for a reason. She had a goal and, though her methods here questionable, Merlin had the same one. It was that devotion to a greater good that had made him agree to join. 

“What do you need me to do?”


	8. Back Out

There was a folded paper burning a hole in Merlin’s pocket, bearing Mordred’s message that everything was in place. He should destroy it to avoid someone finding it, but Merlin couldn’t yet. He kept reading it over, wearing out the creases, making sure he knew every detail. As short as the message was, it seemed like he forgot what was written as soon as he put the paper away.

Gaius could definitely tell that something was wrong, damn him. They were sitting in their trailer, Gaius reading files and Merlin pretending to be on his phone, when the physician decided he was obligated to ask.

“Are you alright, Merlin?”

Merlin looked up, eyes wide in innocence. “Of course.”

Gaius raised that infernal eyebrow. “Are you sure?”

“Just tired. Long day.”

“You know, there was a time when you’d think twice before lying to me.”

“I don’t know,” Merlin hoped his smile didn’t look as forced as it felt. “I told you I liked your tie last week.”

Gaius rolled his eyes, but seemed somewhat appeased. Merlin went back to his phone, killing time until he needed to head to the entrance.

“I’m gonna go for a walk,” he stood and stretched, trying to appear casual. If he could look casual...

“Alright, don’t make too much noise when you come back.”

“Sure.”

Merlin left and walked away from the trailers, wishing his head would stop spinning and his stomach stop churning and his ears stop buzzing.

They all did stop, finally, when he ran right into Arthur Pendragon. He just managed to bite back a loud curse.

“Where’s the fire?”

Merlin felt his stomach drop before realizing it was just a joke. Of course it was a joke. Merlin wasn’t even planning a fire, only a slightly illegal accident. On purpose.

“Uh, no fire. Just a last minute errand for Gaius.”

He smiled his trademark smile. The one that always made Freya roll her eyes because she knew he’d done something stupid, but loved him anyway. The thought brought a bitter taste to his mouth.

Arthur pursed his lips before speaking. “Right. Well, urgent errands don’t exempt you from watching where you’re going.” 

“Never said it was urgent,” Merlin said a little too quickly. Luckily Arthur didn’t notice.

“With you it always seems to be,” Arthur’s voice went soft and Merlin knew they were both thinking back to that day. Arthur probably expected Merlin to thank him, probably believed he’d saved Merlin’s life. Or maybe he only cared about killing a sorcerer, but wanted Merlin’s gratitude anyway.

“I should get going.” Merlin wondered what Mordred would do if he was late, but then figured he’d rather not know.

“Of course.” There was a pause. “You are okay, though? You weren’t hurt?”

Merlin almost laughed, his chest hollow and aching with an invisible pain.

“I’m fine.”

Arthur smiled, oblivious to tearing eyes and strained voice. 

“Good, because I felt like we were just starting to get along.”

Merlin forced a chuckle. “I was worried you were going to say we were friends for a second.”

Arthur shook his head solemnly. “We will never be friends, Merlin.”

They parted ways and Merlin reached the entrance, still unsure as to whether it was a joke or not.

“What took you so long?” Mordred asked as soon as Merlin showed up.

“There are other people in the circus, Mordred. Sorry for trying to be careful.”

Mordred just glared before being let into the grounds. He ducked into the shadows, the faintest glow making his eyes shine even more than they usually did (except when he used magic). 

“I still don’t see why you need to be here,” Merlin whispered.

“You may be powerful, Emrys, but extra protection never hurt.”

Merlin rolled his eyes. 

“Besides,” Mordred went on. “We don’t want you to get a weak stomach.”

“Tell that to the Sidhe,” Merlin spat out, eyes swimming with memories. “Or Edwin Muirden.”

Mordred frowned. “I think the fact that your kill count only consists of people of magic is all the explanation we need.”

Merlin had no response to that and switched the topic.

“There’s no one around,” he said after stretching out his magic to check. “Can I cast it?”

Mordred nodded, clearly annoyed at the fact that he had never successfully managed an invisibility spell. Merlin rarely had trouble with magic and with only a flash of his eyes Mordred faded from sight. But not from earshot.

“Alright, where to?”

“The arena is just down that way,” Merlin pointed. They walked there in silence, Merlin not wanting to be seen talking to himself. He tried to look as calm and natural as he could. Well, as natural as the supernatural  _ could  _ look.

In the arena, Arthur’s neatly labelled things were in his locker. Merlin could open the door with barely a glance as a bag appeared, Mordred dropping it outside the invisibility spell. 

“You can curse it.” Mordred said it like he was giving permission and not like Merlin’s magic was better and more reliable.

Merlin swallowed, but took the bag and murmured the spell. When it was down, he replaced the identical bag in Arthur’s locker, handing the original to Mordred.

“Thank you, Merlin,” there was a hint of sincerity, but it was gone before Merlin could process it. “You should go somewhere else until the show. Make sure you’re seen. We don’t want your cover blown yet.  _ Annes _ .”

“ _ Sóþcyning _ ,” Merlin still felt uneasy about all of it, but if all went well the only lasting damage would be to Uther’s pristine reputation, especially after the chaos from Freya’s attack. And it would go well.

It would all be fine.

* * *

The performance was going well. Aredian’s ‘birds’ had done a magnificent display and the trainer was beaming with what some might see as accomplishment, but Merlin knew to be cruel satisfaction. He was still nauseous from every time a bird’s wing grazed the flames of the suspended hoops.

The crowd was screaming with excitement, oblivious to what they were actually watching, begging for more.

Merlin looked away and saw Morgana walking towards them, damp hair tied in a ponytail and glitter still stuck to her face from her performance.

“Hi love,” she leaned over to peck Gwen’s cheek. “Hi Merlin.”

Merlin nodded in greeting. “Morgana. Your show was amazing.”

She smiled at him, but it was shaking. Gwen put a hand on her arm.

“Are you all right?”

“Arthur’s next. I’m a bit worried.”

Merlin opened his mouth to ask why when he noticed that the arena was being set up for the trapezists. Something was very wrong.

“Where’s the net?”

Gwen frowned. 

“Uther’s idea. He wanted this performance to be the best and he thought having no net would add ‘risk’ and ‘excitement’”

“But… Arthur… the trapezists…”

“He’s practiced the routine a billion times and never fell. I don’t like it at all, but Arthur’s good at what he does. He’ll be fine.”

She was right, Arthur was good at what he did. And he wouldn't fall.. Unless his supplies were tampered with, his chalk enchanted. Unless a group of powerful sorcerers really wanted him to fall. Wanted him to fail.

Morgana looked like she was skeptical too, even though she was unaware of the plot. Merlin spoke as he started moving.

“I forgot something.”

He didn’t wait for a response trying to get closer before Arthur took the leap. He needed to protect Arthur, needed to get there in time. He would get there in time.

* * *

Arthur glanced down at the ground, startlingly clear without a net to blur the view. It looked sturdy and if he fell, chances were he wouldn’t make it. He probably wouldn’t want to.

So he couldn’t fall.

His palms were still sweaty, so he added some more chalk, squinting through the cloud of dust at the crowd of people.

He nodded to Percival and took hold of the swing. He listened to the cheers, to the wind, to the faint creak of the swing as he pulled on it. This was what he did. It was natural, instinctual. He never fell.

Taking a deep breath, he jumped, the platform disappearing from beneath his feet. Then he was flying through the air.

He swung back and forth, legs in perfect formation to propel himself in a wider arc. Then he let go, flipping through the air, perfect extension. It was going so well as he held out his hands to grab onto the next swing. 

He didn’t feel the sharp sting of the bar hitting his palms. He didn’t feel anything except his stomach dropping. He was dropping. He was falling.

He was too confused to really be scared. Time slowed down, the crowd’s gasps fuzzy underneath the whistling wind. The ground was getting closer, just as hard and sturdy as it had looked from above. He had shifted in his fall, so he was sure he would break his neck.

At least he wouldn’t have to see the look of disappointment on his father’s face.

Then his body twisted around, as if someone pushed him. He was even falling a little bit slower. He didn’t land on his neck, he didn’t die. At least he didn’t think so. There was only a sharp pain in his back and then there was nothing.


	9. Cutaway

Merlin paced inside his trailer, feeling like any second his door would burst open and armed forces would take him down. 

What the hell had he done? What the hell had happened? He had barely managed to cast a spell to prevent Arthur from breaking his neck, but there was still an audible crack throughout the arena. Arthur was now in critical surgery and Merlin should be halfway to Spain by now.

He wasn’t, though. He wasn’t going anywhere because of the text sitting on his phone. 

**Stay put. -N**

Stay put. Right. Because that was so easy when he’d just injured the son of Uther Pendragon. Might have even killed him. He’d taken lives before, but those were impulsive, during battle. This was too calculated. This would be an assassination.

The door opened and Merlin made himself look as innocent as possible. He didn’t think he did a good job of hiding his queasy expression and Gaius gave him a piercing look.

“Arthur is on his way to the hospital. There was little more I could do from here.”

“Is he…” Merlin trailed off, throat turning to sandpaper. His eyes were stinging, maybe from the threat of tears, maybe because he was refusing to blink in fear of the images that would appear if his eyes closed for even a second.

“He’s not going to die, if the rumours are true,” Gaius’ voice was harsh in a way Merlin hadn’t heard in many years. Not since his father…

Merlin swallowed. “He’ll be okay?”

“He’ll live,” Gaius assured, softening slightly, “How okay he is… well, that’s a bit more complicated.”

Merlin bit his lip and Gaius sank into a chair, trying to hide his own anguish by putting his face in his hands. Merlin wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him, but Gaius deserved better. 

Just as he tried to muster up some form of coherent words, his phone buzzed. He didn’t need to look to know who it was.

“I… need some air.”

“Careful,” Gaius said. “It’s madness out there.”

_ I’ll be mad too if I stay in here any longer,  _ Merlin thought. He grabbed his bag and headed out, reading Mordred’s text on the way. 

**I’m outside. East entrance.**

The grounds were full of people running around. He could hear the shouts of orders and the whispers of gossip. Morgana was at the hospital with Uther and Lancelot and Gwen had probably left to be there for her. Aredian had gladly taken up being in charge, but that wasn’t saying much as he preferred to work alone, leaving the menagerie the only somewhat organized place. Just Merlin’s luck.

Luckily, it meant Merlin could reach the edge of the grounds without problems. However, instead of the slight figure of the druid boy, it was Nimueh herself waiting for him. She was dressed in black, but her expression wasn’t exactly mournful.

“How are you?”

Merlin crossed his arms. “Things didn’t exactly go according to plan.”

Nimueh shrugged. “He’s still alive, if that has you worried. I know you’re annoyingly moral about things, but we got what we wanted. Uther was hurt, disgraced. And the best part is that he blames himself! It is his own fault anyway, taking away the net.”

“Arthur wouldn’t have fallen.” Normally Merlin would hate complimenting the prat, but he couldn’t deny the truth. “Not if we hadn’t…”

“Don’t get so worked up, Merlin. We struck a blow to Uther. We’ve weakened him and it will help us in the long run.”

“How? Our friends are still locked up like the animals the world thinks they are! Aredian is still hurting them every day! Nothing has changed except for injuring some kid!”

Nimueh narrowed her eyes. “Aredian, hm? That is an obstacle…”

Merlin threw his hands up in frustration. “You don’t even care. About Arthur, about me, about Freya!”

“I never claimed to care about a Pendragon.” She didn’t refute his other statements. Because they were most likely true.

“What do you want?” Merlin felt defeated. He always went to Freya for help, for advice. He trusted her to know what the right thing was. Now he was just lost. Floating in confusion, endlessly swaying between good and evil. He remembered when he was younger and his mum would tell him he wasn’t a monster for having magic. Maybe he was finally going to prove her wrong.

“I want the same as you. At least, what I thought you wanted.”

“I want my friends to be safe,” Merlin bit out.

“As do I. The difference is, I don’t care what it takes to achieve that.”

Merlin’s jaw clenched. “Not all my friends have magic.”

Nimueh sneered. “So you’ve told them about your magic? Who you are? Would they still be your friends if they knew?”

He was silent, but that was all the answer she needed.

* * *

Arthur woke up, but he might have still been asleep given how blurry everything was. His limbs were heavy and his tongue was thick in his mouth, preventing him from speaking.

There were voices in the room, distant and faded. He wasn’t sure what they were saying, but they were definitely angry.

After blinking a few times, he could see again. He could see a white ceiling and smell rubbing alcohol and soap. He could twitch his arm, but he couldn’t bring himself to sit up.

The voices became clearer and Arthur realized they were in the room. The hospital room. Arthur was in the hospital.

His mind flashed back to why he was here. The show… the net… the fall. He remembered his father telling him there would be no net, but he hadn’t been scared. He never fell.

But this time he had.

He could finally understand who was talking. One voice was calm and patient, probably the doctor. The other was his father.

“I don’t care what you say! I ordered you to fix him!”

“I heard you, sir, and we’ve done everything we can. It’s honestly a miracle he didn’t break his neck.”

“Then why are you saying he won’t get better!”

Frustration filtered into the doctor’s response, but so did sympathy. 

“He will get better, with time. He just… won’t be the same as he was.”

“Do you know who he is? Do you know who I am?”

“Yes, Mr. Pendragon, but that doesn’t change scientific fact. His spine was injured and his legs are-”

“Arthur!”

His father had noticed he was awake and rushed over before the doctor could finish. A remote was thrust into his hand and with stiff fingers He could make his bed sit up.

“Whazgoinon?”

Arthur could hear the slur in his voice, the words fumbling. His head felt like it was stuffed with cotton and he really wanted a nap, despite feeling like he’d slept for days.

“Are you alright? How do you feel?”

Arthur wondered if he was still asleep after all. What with the worry in his father’s voice, the concern in his expression. It couldn’t be real.

“Tired.”

His father gave a small smile that disappeared when he turned back to the doctor. 

“I told you to make him better and that’s what I expect you to do.”

“Perhaps we can discuss this outside,” the doctor’s voice was tight. Uther made to argue, but cast a look at his son.

“Fine.”

They left and Arthur was alone, the muffled sound of his father yelling filtering through the closed door. Leaning back against the bed, he closed his eyes.

He felt tired, sure, but also antsy. He wanted to go for a walk or a run or just anything that’d get him out of the sterile, white room. However, his arm was taped up and attached to an IV drip and, contrary to the many action movies he’d seen, he wasn’t too eager to rip a needle out of his skin.

Besides, try as he might he couldn’t get himself to move. His head was sluggish, his arms weak and his legs were practically numb from however long he’d been in bed.

Arthur frowned, the meds dimming enough for coherent thought to push through. His legs  _ were  _ numb. Less like they’d fallen asleep and more like… like they weren’t even there.

His heart raced, jarring his brain into focus. He lifted his arms heavily to slowly peel back the covers and found that his legs were still there, but…

They didn’t move. 

He tried to lift one or move slightly to the side, but nothing. Behind him the heart monitor was speeding up, but he was only focused on the two useless limbs in front of him and his father’s voice finally being raised loud enough for Arthur to make out the words.

“Don’t tell me my son will never walk again!”


	10. Blindfolded

The day Arthur would be coming home from the hospital was a tense one. Merlin had been running around in preparation, following every single one of Gaius’ orders.

Rumours had been flying about the young Pendragon, but it was hard to know what was true. Some said that he’d hit his face and been disfigured, some that he had become mute (this was said with less sympathy by those who’d heard Arthur talk).

Curious as he was about the truth, Merlin was hoping he wouldn’t run into Arthur. He’d rather not see the results of his actions. He didn’t want to know what anger and pain had led him to do.

Unfortunately, Gaius did not know about Merlin’s inner turmoil and handed him a bag of various medications.

“Can you take these to Arthur’s trailer? He’ll need them when he gets back.”

Merlin only took them to stop his hands from shaking, but couldn’t do anything for the queasiness he felt.

“Are you sure you shouldn’t go? He’s your patient.”

Gaius gave him a look that went from stern to suspicious. “He is my patient, but you are my assistant. And you want to become a doctor so you shouldn’t be so resistant to such things. Besides, didn’t you study physical therapy for a time?”

Merlin frowned. “What do you mean? What’s that got to do with it?”

Gaius frowned and bent over his desk, shuffling papers into something that might resemble organized. “The rumour mill at work again, I suppose? Arthur was injured, he’ll need physical therapy regularly. Some will be off-grounds, but having someone trained and close by will be of help.”

Merlin swallowed, regretting his interest in sports medicine. Sure, a lot was because of his father, but still. He wished he’d wanted to become a pediatrician or a brain surgeon or something. 

Not wanting to make Gaius more concerned, he nodded slowly and headed out, tuning out the hum of gossip that was consistent across the grounds.

Arthur’s trailer wasn’t too far and when he got there it was not as empty as he’d hoped it to be. Rather, Morgana and Gwen were standing to the side, Morgana in the other girl’s arms for comfort, her face twisted with worry. 

The source of their concern was Arthur Pendragon arriving. In a wheelchair. 

Uther was following behind, pushing. Arthur’s hands were clenched on his lap, as though he was itching to steer himself.

The trailer door was wide open and a ramp had been placed over the steps. A steep one. Arthur apparently didn’t care because he turned to his father to murmur something and Uther let go. 

Merlin walked slowly, too close to run away, but far enough that maybe everyone would leave by the time he got there.

Arthur pushed his chair along and started his way up the ramp and that was when Merlin’s plan went to shit.

Rather than properly installed, the ramp appeared to just be a board over the steps. It was not secured down in the slightest. Before the first precarious wobble had finished, Merlin’s eyes were gold and the medicine fell to the ground as he ran to the trailer, not caring that time was slow enough for him to make it.

By the time he undid the spell, he had pushed Arthur into the trailer and the board had toppled. He felt four pairs of eyes watching him.

“Merlin, what on earth do you think you’re doing?” Arthur’s face was red, eyes hard with anger. Merlin made to speak, but then Uther interrupted him.

“You saved him!”

Arthur scoffed. “It’s two feet, I was hardly in any danger.” He went unnoticed.

“You!” Uther pointed to the poor worker who decided to walk by at that moment. “Find out which imbecile was responsible for this mistake and send them to my office immediately!”

The worker ran away frantically. Merlin would have pitied him, but the steely gaze was then turned on him.

“Who are you? Why are you here?”

Merlin gestured to the bag of pills. “I… uh… I work for Gaius? Training to be a doctor.”

Uther’s eyes narrowed. “Have we met before?”

Merlin furiously shook his head, letting his hair fall a bit more into his face. “Not officially, sir.”

Uther nodded, but still looked suspicious. Merlin hunched his shoulders as much as he could without magically turning into an armadillo. 

“You’re medically trained?” Uther’s suspicious look became contemplative.

“Just graduated med school, doing my residency here.”

“What’s your specialization?”

Merlin did not like where this was going. From the horrified look on Arthur’s face, neither did he. 

“Sports medicine, right Merlin?” Morgana cut in and Merlin wanted to cut her. 

“Right.”

Uther’s eyes lit up. “Perfect! You’ll become Arthur’s assistant while he recovers, do whatever he needs to be done.”

“Father!” Arthur’s voice nearly cracked with outrage. Merlin wasn’t too far behind.

“But, Gaius-”

“Has worked here many years and surely wouldn’t mind lending an assistant for my son’s wellbeing.”

Merlin deflated. “Right.”

Uther nodded firmly. “Wonderful. You can help him get settled, I should tend to business matters.”

He turned to his son and opened his mouth as if to say something, then closed it and left. 

Merlin stood there, frozen, when something was pressed into his hands. The medicine. He looked up to see Gwen giving him a warm smile.

“You’re okay?”

Merlin nodded, forcing his face into composure. “I should get to work, then.” He started into the trailer, Arthur already having headed inside and as far from him as possible. Morgana and Gwen followed, sitting on the couch with the ease of people who were here often.

Merlin, having never been there, looked around. It was definitely more spacious than the one he shared with Gaius, but it was… bland. Sterile. It didn’t feel like a home. When Arthur returned to the living area, Morgana stood up quickly.

“How are you, Arthur? Can I get you something?”

Arthur looked down sullenly. “I’m fine, ‘Gana.”

“Are you sure? Uther is sending workers by tomorrow to finish making your place wheelchair accessible and-”

“I’m fine!” Arthur’s voice went sharp and Morgana drew back, hurt crossing her features.

“Right, of course. Um, Lance will be waiting. We should…”

She trailed off as Gwen took her hand, giving it a comforting squeeze. Arthur looked at the wall, expression stony. Merlin gave them a sad look and Gwen mouthed “Look after him” before they left.

Then it was just him and Arthur. And the immense, suffocating tension.

“Er,” Merlin began. “I brought some meds from Gaius. They should help with the pain.”

Arthur scoffed. “What pain? Shouldn’t the whole point of me losing feeling in my legs be that I don’t feel any pain?”

Merlin didn’t answer and placed the medication on the coffee table. 

“I’m going to go see if you have any juice. Some of these need to be taken with Vitamin C.”

He moved past Arthur’s chair to the small kitchen area. It was really just a mini fridge and microwave, as meals were generally in the cafeteria, but there was a half empty bottle of vegetable juice in the fridge. Why, Merlin had no idea, because no rational person would drink such a vile concoction.

He put more focus into pouring the drink than was strictly necessary, but it was better than letting his mind wander to the man in the next room. The man was in a wheelchair because of what Merlin did. The man who killed the girl he loved.

No, it was much better to watch the blood-red juice pour into the glass. To putter in the kitchen, tidying random things up, just to put off having to go back out there.

Eventually, he realized the sooner Arthur took his pills, the sooner Merlin could probably get out of there. He picked up the now not-so chilled drink and carried it out.

“Um, here,” He held out the drink, but Arthur stayed turned away. Sighing, he set it on the table next to the bag of pills. He was about to leave them there for whenever Arthur decided to take them, but then opened it, taking out the required dose and set them next to the glass, rolling up the bag of the remainder to tuck under his arm. Arthur scoffed again.

“I’m not going to overdose, or whatever you’re worried about.”

Merlin ignored him, having had enough experience to know it was better to not risk it. “Just makes things easier. Is there anything else I can do?”

“You don’t need to do anything. I’m fine.”

Merlin forced a smile. “You’d think someone as arrogant as you would enjoy having someone cater to their every whim.”

Arthur didn’t answer and Merlin mentally hit himself. He was not good at this. 

“Look,” he began. Something in his voice must’ve conveyed how serious he was because Arthur finally met his eyes. “This is a shitty situation and I don’t know how to help. But you can either mope about and yell at Morgana, who only wants you to be okay, or you can accept the help that’s offered.”

Arthur's expression turned confused for a moment before hardening. “I know Morgana cares. I know they all care. But there’s no use for all this fuss. My father has already called every specialist in the country and they are going to fix me. I’m not broken.”

Merlin sucked in a breath. 

“Of course. I’ll be going, then.”

“By all means.”

Merlin turned to leave, then paused. He found some pen and paper nearby and scribbled hastily onto it before he could overthink it.

“Here’s my number, just in case. I’ll respond faster than Gaius.”

Arthur went back to glaring at the wall and Merlin left.

* * *

The moment he was out of the trailer Merlin found a wall and collapsed against it, his breath going short and his eyes watering. His head felt fuzzy, his ears ringing. This was panic. He was panicking.

He used his last bit of rationality to move to the side so he was out of view before sinking to his knees, head between his hands as he took rasping breaths.

Holy shit, what was he going to do? How did this happen? How could he have done something so terrible and probably ruined his life? All he wanted was to sabotage the circus, not cripple a man, possibly for the rest of his life.

He wanted to cry, to scream. What he needed was someone to talk to, to help him figure out what in the hell he should do. Did he stay and help Arthur, all the while knowing he was the reason for his pain? Or did he run away, start a new life somewhere? Could he do that, knowing his friends were still trapped here? He’d say his Hippocratic Oath wouldn’t let him, but after what he did to Arthur could he really consider himself a doctor anymore? An ethical one?

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, but eventually he figured he should be getting up. He couldn’t though, his legs refusing to move. So he stayed, feeling miserable and wanting nothing more than to see Freya again, to talk to her and ask her what to do.

“Merlin?”

He looked up to see a frowning Lance staring down at him. Startled, he quickly tried to wipe his face and regain some semblance of composure. But Lance just slid down next to him.

“Are you alright?”

“Yea, I’m fine. Sorry, just… lots going on.” He smiled cheerfully, but that made Lance even more worried.

“Considering what you looked like a few seconds ago, you should not be able to smile that convincingly.”

“Lance, really, I’m okay-”

“Is it Arthur?” When Merlin went still Lance continued. “We’re all worried about him. I know you two didn’t really get along, but it’s all still pretty scary.”

Merlin sighed, tipping his head back so it thumped against the wall. He had to resist the urge to do that repeatedly until his memories were knocked out of his brain.

“Is it about… you know,” Lance made a waggling movement with his fingers and Merlin’s head flew up to stare widely at him.

“What are you talking about?”

Lance was sheepish while Merlin felt like his heart was going to fly out of his chest. Him and his friends had always used that exact same gesture for the very thing Lance should have no idea about.

“You know,” he lowered his voice. “Magic.”

That very thing.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Merlin just managed to keep his voice from shaking, not that Lance looked any more deterred.

“Look, I- uh, I saw you at the menagerie. With the light.”

Merlin thanked his light complexion because it meant it wasn’t noticeable when colour drained from his face. “Magic isn’t real, Lance. I don’t know what you saw but-”

“Merlin,” Lance rested a hand on his shoulder, squeezing comfortingly. “Don’t worry, I won’t say anything. I had a friend growing up… he was like you.”

Merlin knew, statistically, there were probably lots of people who knew about magic. He’d just assumed all of them reacted like Uther or Aredian; with fear and hatred. 

“Lance, I-”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. And I’m not going to go telling anyone, though I doubt they’d believe me if I did,” he gave a small smile Merlin couldn’t help returning. “But I just want you to know that… I know. And if you do want to talk, I’m here.”

Merlin didn’t know what to say, so he dropped his head onto Lance’s shoulder and let the tears fall. Lance held him, rubbing his back soothingly, and it was the first time someone really hugged him since Freya was captured and that thought made him cry harder.

When his sobs quieted and he had left a damp spot on Lance’s shoulder, he sat up, feeling his face flush with embarrassment.

“Sorry.”

Lance’s expression was soft. “You don’t have to be.”

If only he knew what Merlin had done.

Lance went on. “I don’t know what’s going on and you don’t have to tell me, but… you know where to find me.”

Merlin smiled and rested his head back onto Lance’s shoulder.

“Morgana and Gwen won’t get upset if they catch us like this, will they?”

Lance snorted. “The key to a healthy polyamorous relationship is absolute trust in each other. We all know how we feel about each other.”

Merlin nodded awkwardly with his head tilted. “It must be nice. I mean, I don’t think I could do it, but if I had two people who loved me like that… I get it.”

“It is nice. If you had told past me what would happen I’d.. well, I’d be pretty shocked. I was pretty straight and narrow, had planned on the regular nuclear family.”

“What changed?”

“I met them. They were friends when we first met and I immediately fell for Gwen. Love at first sight, if you will. But even then I knew they were a package deal, so I got to know Morgana and it wasn’t long before I fell for her too. She’s strong and she may not seem like it, but she has a big heart.”

“I can tell,” Merlin said. “I’ve seen her with Arthur, with you guys. She acts tough. She  _ is  _ tough. But she cares.”

Lance hummed in agreement.

“The person you’ve given your heart to. What are they like?”

“She-” Merlin hadn’t really said it out loud yet. “She’s gone.”

“I’m sorry,” the heartbreak in Lance’s voice nearly matched how Merlin was feeling. 

“I think she was the one. And now I’ve lost her.”

“There are other ones.”

Merlin shook his head, heart still raw. “I don’t believe in that. I don’t- I can’t imagine giving my heart to anyone else.”

“That’s what I said about Gwen. And then Morgana happened.”

Merlin swallowed. “You still have Gwen, though.”

Lance didn’t respond and they sat there in silence while their minds were racing.


	11. Passing Leap

The next morning, Merlin did not want to get up. He wanted to stay lying down and mope and wallow, but he had to check on Arthur and bring him his meds. He also shouldn’t be late because hadn’t he done enough to the guy?

Limbs heavy, Merlin slowly got up and ready for the day, grabbing an apple to eat on the way. As he was halfway through it, though, it was grabbed out of his grip and bit into by a way too cheerful Gwaine. Thankfully, he waited until his mouth wasn’t full before speaking.

“So, how’s it going? I heard you’re stuck waiting on his highness. What’s that like? What’s he like? No one’s told us anything about him.”

“Then I probably shouldn’t be saying anything, either,” Merlin crossed his arms, stomach mourning the loss of his breakfast. “Don’t you lot have better things to do than idle gossip?”

Gwaine’s expression sobered. “Not so idle. There are rumours the circus might close down.”

Merlin stopped, whirling on Gwaine. “What?”

“Well, with the terrible accident and Arthur was the star performer and a lot of people are blaming Uther because he took away the net. Business hasn’t been good.”

It was exactly what Merlin had wanted, yet he felt a sick feeling twisted in his gut. “Wow.”

“So it’s less about gossip and more… Well, we’re of a pretty limited skillset. We need to know if we should start looking.”

Merlin’s head spun. “I- I really don’t know. It’s only my first day with Arthur and-”

Gwaine tossed the apple core into a nearby bin and they started walking again. “I get it, of course, just… Keep your ears open?”

Merlin nodded. “Of course.”

Gwaine patted him on the back and left Merlin to journey to Arthur’s trailer. When he got there, he saw Uther leaving with a pained expression. Merlin ducked out of the way to avoid the unwanted interaction and then went to knock on the trailer door, worried about what state he’d find Arthur in after a visit from his father.

“Enter.”

Merlin rolled his eyes at his tone and opened the door. He found that he was right to be worried when he was met with the mess inside. Papers strewn about, furniture shoved around and broken, broken dishes on the ground.

“What happened?”

Arthur rolled in and stared at Merlin glumly. “An earthquake.”

Merlin snorted. “I’ve seen earthquakes with less mess.” He felt validated when Arthur couldn’t hold back a small chuckle, though he sobered quickly.

“Well? Aren’t you going to start cleaning?”

Merlin gaped at him. “I’m not your servant!”

“My father said you were to attend to me. That’s basically a servant.”

“And you’re basically a prat.”

Arthur’s eyes widened at the insult and he turned away. “Just clean.”

Merlin swore under his breath, but did as ordered. At least it was something to do.

Arthur stayed in the other room while Merlin did his best to make the main area look somewhat presentable. When he was finished, he went to the kitchen to see Arthur angrily drinking juice. Merlin took out the meds and placed them next to him.

“Um, is there anything else…”

The silence was suffocating and Merlin didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the thick tension. He decided to just stand there awkwardly, waiting for Arthur to answer.

After taking his pills, Arthur looked at Merlin with what was probably disdain. 

“I have to go to the physiotherapist. You don’t need to be here.”

Merlin nodded slowly. “Ok… I could join you, though, if you want? I mean, your dad hired me for my medical background, so it’s probably best that I-”

“Stop,” Arthur held up a hand. “You can come if you stop babbling. Goodness, Merlin.”

Merlin put a small smile onto his face. “Nervous habit, sorry.”

Arthur narrowed his eyes. “Why are you nervous, Merlin?”

Mentally smacking himself, Merlin fiddled with the hem of his shirt. 

“I mean, well, you’re, you know-”

“Do I?”

Merlin rolled his eyes, frustration stifling his nerves enough to answer properly. 

“Well, we don’t exactly like each other, do we? And your father is more or less my boss, so it’s a lot of stress that’s not needed when you have to spend all this time with someone who hates you!”

Arthur was silent, taking a slow sip of his drink. Merlin wondered what the consequences would be if he revealed his magic by disappearing. Finally, glaring at the table, Arthur responded.

“No need to be so overdramatic, Merlin. I don’t think I know you well enough to actively hate you.”

That was not what Merlin expected to hear. “Huh?”

“Don’t hurt yourself overthinking it, I just said I don’t hate you, I’m hardly confessing my undying love. We don’t know each other enough now, but ask me again in a few days and my answer may be different.”

Merlin felt slightly sick, but kept a smile on his face. “Is this where I say I don’t hate you either?”

Arthur shrugged. “I think it’s only polite.”

“I don’t hate you either.” Merlin couldn’t tell if he was lying or not. “Alright, that’s enough sappiness, let’s get to your appointment.”

Arthur nodded and Merlin let him lead the way. The ramp at his door had been replaced with one much sturdier, but Merlin still couldn’t help his breath catching as Arthur rolled down. As they started on their way, Merlin moved to walk beside Arthur.

“So, where is the appointment? Off-grounds?”

Arthur snorted, which Merlin didn’t think was really necessary. “Please. My father had a specialist fly in from America to stay here while I’m… recovering.”

His voice trailed off and Merlin felt his stomach twist at the hope in Arthur’s voice. He really believed he would walk again and maybe he would, but Merlin had studied hundreds of cases like this. Maybe there was hope, he always liked to think there was hope, but there wasn’t a lot of it.

The physiotherapist had set up shop in Gaius’ medical tent, commandeering a corner for his equipment and supplies. He was an older man with a snowy beard, but he moved with purpose and Merlin knew his age did nothing to slow him down. He also knew… this man was more than a physiotherapist.

“Hello, young Pendragon. My name is Taliesin. Are you ready to get started?”

Arthur nodded, starting to lift himself out of his chair before Taliesin placed a hand on his shoulder, keeping him down. Merlin shifted, feeling the power radiating off the man, tasting the metallic taste of magic. Taliesin met his eyes and raised his eyebrows, clearly noticing the same thing.

“And you are?”

From the glint in his eyes, Taliesin knew exactly who Merlin was. Nevertheless, he held out a hand.

“Merlin. I’m… assisting Arthur. I studied sports medicine.”

Taliesin smiled. “Excellent. Then you can make sure he does his exercises when I’m not around. Shall we begin?”

Merlin stood back as Taliesin helped Arthur onto the table, knowing even one person having to help him made the Pendragon seethe. Then he watched as Taliesin walked Arthur through the different techniques and stretches to do, adding more specific notes to Merlin, who understood the more medical side of it.

Merlin kept an eye on Taliesin, wary of a sorcerer being so close to Arthur. He hadn’t seen the man around Nimueh, but there wasn’t any reason for someone with magic to be helping a Pendragon. Merlin still didn’t know what  _ he  _ was doing with Arthur.

When he felt the spell, he immediately stiffened, sensing the magic Taliesin was using on Arthur. However, it wasn’t a curse. It was… calmer. A mild healing spell, good for pain, but unable to repair actual damage. He could tell when Arthur felt it, his face relaxing ever so slightly.

When they were finished and Arthur was back in his chair, he asked the question Merlin was hoping he wouldn’t.

“So when do you think I can walk again? And get back to practice?”

Merlin and Taliesin exchanged a look, both knowing the answer. Taliesin sighed and gave Arthur a sad smile.

“I don’t want to say it’s impossible, I really don’t. At this time… I can’t say.”

Arthur pursed his lips. “Right.”

“I can help with the pain. I can help with daily life and keeping up your strength to work around your legs.”

“But you’re not going to help me walk?”

Taliesin’s face tensed with pain. “Not right now, no.”

“You’re the best my father could get?” Arthur laughed thinly.

Merlin reached out a hand only to have it slapped away. Arthur’s face slipped for just a second, revealing the pain and fear underneath, and then he turned and left. Merlin looked at Taliesin.

“You have magic, you can’t…?”

“You have magic, too, Emrys. You know it is more difficult than that.”

Merlin stiffened. “You know who I am.”

“I think I’d know Balinor’s son when I see him.”

“Uther didn’t.”

Taliesin turned to tidy up. “Uther doesn’t see what he doesn’t want to. He can’t see that his son is worse off than he thinks and he doesn’t see that you’re the son of his former friend.”

Merlin snorted. “They were never friends.”

Taliesin’s face betrayed nothing, but his eyes glinted with knowledge. Merlin twisted his hands together.

“Your magic, does Uther know?”

“Not exactly. He knows I have connections to the Druids.”

Merlin gaped. “Then why-”

“It’s his son,” Taliesin fixed Merlin with a stare. “He hoped I could be of more help than a regular therapist.”

Merlin felt rage bubbling up. “So he’s okay with magic so long as he’s the one using it?”

Taliesin shrugged, infuriatingly blasé about the situation. “Uther was never mistaken for a caring or reasonable man.”

Merlin wanted to scream, but he knew he couldn’t. He couldn’t act rashly, that’s what led to Arthur’s current state. He had to be reasonable about this, had to be what Uther wasn’t. He didn’t want someone else caught in the crossfire.

“My magic,” he started slowly. “It’s… stronger. Do you think if I tried to heal Arthur-”

“I think that if you can’t, no one can. But I don’t know if you can. Magic is nature and you’d have to weave it into every nerve in his body, repair him on an atomic scale. Do you think your healing magic is good enough for that?”

Merlin’s mind flashed to Freya, to his father, to Will. He didn’t answer, but Taliesin understood.

“I’ve dealt with many people in similar circumstances to the young Pendragon. He can be fine, so long as he makes up his mind to be.”

“Why are you helping him? After his father-” Merlin’s voice caught.

“Because he’s not his father. And I’m hoping he can be different.”

Merlin blinked away the stinging in his eyes. “I worry they may be too similar.”

Taliesin shrugged. “Maybe. But maybe they are different enough that he can change.”

Merlin didn’t know if that was true, but he wanted it to be.


	12. Face Off

Arthur was in the cafeteria angrily stabbing at his green beans when Morgana sat across from him. 

“Hey.”

He nodded in response and heard her sigh. He knew he wasn’t the most pleasant to be around lately, but he felt he had a good goddamn reason for it.

“How was physio?”

He gave a noncommittal shrug and waited for Morgana’s annoyed response, but it never came. He looked up, mouth frozen before he could speak. She wasn’t really looking at him, her eyes distant and glassy. There were dark bruises under her eyes from lack of sleep. She did not look well.

“‘Gana? Are you okay?”

Her eyes met his, but it still felt like she wasn’t actually seeing him.

“I’m fine.” Her smile was mechanical and Arthur reached out to touch her arm. She jumped back, fear flashing across her face.

“Morgana?”

Her face tried to calm down, but he could tell it wasn’t real. “What’s wrong?”

“Just tired. It’s been… busy.”

Like hell Arthur believed her. “Seriously. Is it Gwen? Lance?”

“We’re fine,” Morgana’s voice was firm, sounding more normal. “I just need a good night’s sleep and I’ll be fine.”

Arthur narrowed his eyes, but he also knew Morgana. She was tough and if anyone was bothering her, she could take care of herself. 

“If you’re sure.”

Morgana placed her other hand on top of his and smiled. “I am, really. I’m more worried about you. How are you?”

Arthur pulled his hand back and went back to moving food around his plate. “I’m fine.”

Morgana clearly didn’t believe him either.

“Alright, it’s… a challenge. But physio has started and I know it won’t be long before I’m back on my feet.”

Morgana frowned. “They said you’ll get- will you be able to?”

Arthur scoffed. “Of course, I will. I’m a trained athlete and one fall will not stop me. Trust me, it’s only a matter of time.”

The fear returned to Morgana’s eyes, haunting. “Arthur, it wasn’t just ‘one fall’. I was there and… you… I can’t-”

Her voice broke and Arthur froze. Morgana cried so rarely, Arthur didn’t know how to handle it.

“It’s okay,” he said soothingly. “You’ll see. Everything will be okay. I’m going to get better.”

“And if you don’t?”

Arthur gripped his fork so tight he worried it would break. “You know me. You know our father. That’s not an option.”

* * *

When Arthur returned to his trailer, Merlin was already there, waiting for him.

“I thought you had finally ditched me,” Arthur said as he headed up the ramp, Merlin following.

“Nah, just figured I should talk to Taliesin for specifics.”

Arthur unlocked the door, frowning when Merlin opened it for him. He slowly went inside.

“Anything interesting?”

Merlin shrugged. “Just medical jargon you wouldn’t understand. How are you feeling? Do you need something for the pain?”

Arthur wasn’t in pain, hadn’t really been since physio. He was just tired, which he would never admit.

“I think I should go work out. Just because my legs are behind doesn’t mean the rest of me can take the day off.”

Merlin frowned, a tiny crease appearing between his brows. It was cute, in the totally normal way a grown man could be cute.

“You shouldn’t strain yourself. Maybe you should rest?”

Arthur snorted. “I’ve been sitting for days, how much more rested can I get?”

“That’s not the same thing.”

Arthur crossed his arms and glared at the ground. Merlin sat on the couch and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Look, Arthur. You said you want to get better. Well running yourself into the ground is not going to do that.”

“I’m not  _ running  _ anywhere. Clearly.”

Merlin gave him a frustrated look. At least it wasn’t pity.

“Rehabilitation is a tough journey and it takes time. You can’t fix everything in a day.”

Arthur didn’t respond and Merlin sighed loudly.

“Tell you what, you rest a bit today and tomorrow I’ll take you off the grounds. Show you something.”

Arthur looked up to narrow his eyes at Merlin. “I doubt my father would let me go anywhere.”

“I’ll talk with Gaius, get it sorted. Being cooped up here isn’t good for you, either.”

“Fine. I’ll just stare at the wall all afternoon, then?”

Merlin rolled his eyes. “You know, working out and training isn’t the only thing to do.You can read, watch a movie, play cards, paint, I don’t know.”

Arthur tapped his fingers against his chair for a moment, trying to form the words.

“Are you staying?”

Merlin’s eyes went soft just long enough for Arthur to catch it before he laughed.

“Well, not like I have anything else to do, being your humble servant and all.”

“‘Humble’ is a bit of a stretch. So’s ‘servant’.”

Merlin shrugged and stood up, stretching his arms over his head and Arthur made sure he wasn’t staring.

“So, what do you want to do?”

Arthur thought for a moment. “How about a movie? Something with lots of explosions?”

Merlin nodded and Arthur went to get his laptop and set it up.

A little while later they were seated a good few feet apart, Merlin on the couch and Arthur on his chair, and they were silent as they watched the mindless action on the screen. Arthur wasn’t sure when he last sat and basically did nothing. It was nice, especially with how tired he was. 

It was also nice to know there was someone with him. Maybe they weren’t talking a lot, but the option was there, if Arthur wanted. Even if the option was  _ Merlin. _

_ _


	13. Half Turn

The next morning, Arthur cycled through the thoughts he’d been having every morning. The fuzziness of dreams making way for confusion, then panic as he can’t get his legs to move.

Then the cold realization dawned on him and he was wide awake, arms jerking in shock because his legs weren’t able to.

Right. He was paralyzed. He wondered how long it would be before he stopped waking up this terrified. When he would be used to it.

He shook his head. That wouldn’t happen because he’d be fixed before that happened. He didn’t know how or when, but he was going to walk again. He was Arthur Pendragon and he did whatever he set his mind to.

His chair was right next to his bed and it took some effort, but he managed to maneuver himself into it. He was still in yesterday’s clothes, though, having refused to ask Merlin for any help. 

He didn’t want Merlin to show up and start pitying him, so he set about changing for the day. The shirt was easy, but his pants required more upper body strength than it used to. It didn’t help that he was severely behind on his training.

Finally, flushed and panting, he was ready to face the world. Or, at least, the lower half of it. And just in time because he had barely caught his breath when there was a knock at the door.

“Enter,” he called, checking his mirror to make sure he looked composed. His hair was neat, but that was all he could see.

Merlin entered the trailer, grinning much too brightly for this early in the morning. He seemed unaffected by Arthur’s glower, which made him grumpier.

“You couldn’t wait for the sun to rise before bugging me?”

Merlin scoffed, taking out Arthur’s pills. “It’s nine, hardly daybreak. Based on your training schedule, this is sleeping in for you.”

“But it’s Sunday.”

“Yes, and I said I had a surprise for you.” Merlin held out the pills and a glass of water, which Arthur took reluctantly. Merlin crossed his arms, his grin finally falling.

“What happened to us ‘getting along?’”

Arthur looked down, willing his blush to go down. “That was after I’d had breakfast.”

Merlin smiled once more and Arthur couldn’t help but feel relieved. Merlin’s face didn’t seem right when it was anything but happy.

“Well, come on, then. We’ll grab food on the way.”

“Where are we going?”

Merlin held the door open so Arthur could wheel out. “You really don’t understand the concept of ‘surprise’, do you?”

Arthur wisely ignored him, taking off for a few feet before realizing he had no idea where they were going. He slowed down until Merlin could pass him, dutifully ignoring the amused smile on his face. Idiot.

Merlin led him to the edge of the grounds and to the parking lot. Arthur felt excitement and nerves fizzle inside him. Even before the accident he rarely left the grounds, mainly for interviews and the like, but it always felt like seeing a whole other world. 

They reached the parking lot and Merlin stopped in front of Gaius’ van, pulling out keys to unlock it. Arthur frowned to cover up the dizzying flash of fear.

“You aren’t kidnapping me, right?”

Merlin laughed, slightly tense. “Not really kidnapping if you’re willing.”

Arthur’s face flushed and allowed Merlin to open the door for him, but refused help in pulling himself onto the seat. Merlin stowed the chair in the back and then they were off.

“If not kidnapping, where are we going?”

Merlin ignored him, instead flicking on the radio. Classical music filtered through and Arthur wanted to make fun, but at that moment he found the violins soothing. He looked out the window as they drove, watching as cars and trees and buildings flew past.

They didn’t talk much, but it wasn’t awkward. Merlin was tapping the steering wheel lightly along with the music and Arthur’s head was in the clouds, wondering where he was going. It was peaceful, surrounded by a simple landscape and the hazy light of morning.

Eventually Merlin turned them into a residential area and into a parking lot by a large brick building. A sign advertised it as a school and Arthur frowned.

“I thought we were going to grab food on the way?”

A granola bar was tossed into his lap. At least it was chocolate chip.

“I do have a GED, you know.”

Merlin rolled his eyes. “That’s not why we’re here. We’re just using their court.”

“Court?”

Merlin didn’t answer, which Arthur felt he should be getting used to, and instead went around the car to take out Arthur’s chair. Reluctantly, he let Merlin help him into it, but only because he didn’t want to fall and make a right tit of himself.

“So I’m going to court?”

Merlin sighed and led the way. They walked around the building to where there were a bunch of guys hanging out. In wheelchairs.

“Merlin!”

One of them, a ruddy faced bloke with a mop of brown hair, came over and Merlin immediately leaned into a hug. Arthur frowned because he didn’t like being ignored and for no other reason.

“Good to see you, Will.” Merlin pulled back with a wide smile Arthur had never seen before. Merlin took a seat on a bench before talking.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine, who cares? How are you? I heard about-”

Will was cut off by Merlin shaking his head. Arthur frowned, but didn’t comment, instead turning to Will. His chair was old and scuffed up, but lighter and smaller than Arthur’s. Perhaps for sports.

As he glanced at the wheels, he noticed that peeking out of Will’s shorts was a thin prosthetic where his left shin should’ve been. Arthur might not have been able to feel his own legs anymore, but he couldn’t help clutching his knees at the thought of losing them completely.

Realizing that staring was probably rude, he lifted his gaze to see Will looking him over before turning back to Merlin.

“Alright, we’re warming up, if you wanna join, Merlin.” 

Merlin shook his head. “Not today, Will, but he does.”

Arthur realized that he was the one being referred to. Which was stupid because  _ no.  _ Will spared him another glance, entirely unconcerned.

“Fine, I’ll go grab him a chair.” He left them and Arthur turned on Merlin.

“What the hell, Merlin? I’m not… no!”

Merlin frowned, “Why not? It’s just basketball. Don’t you want to stay active?”

Yes, Arthur did, but that didn’t mean… this. He wanted to stay in his training area, suffering in silence. He had no intention of wheeling about with whoever these guys were.

Merlin must’ve seen something on his face because he rolled his eyes. “They don’t have cooties or anything. And they went through similar experiences, so they don’t care if you’re crap at it.”

Arthur wanted to defend himself, but mainly found himself curious. “What- what happened to him?”

Merlin’s face darkened and Arthur felt like he’d made a terrible mistake. Finally he answered.

“We grew up in a rough neighbourhood. Someone… it was my fault, honestly. He saved my life, but he, well.”

Arthur nodded. Merlin didn’t need to give any details for him to understand what had happened. Arthur glanced down at the shoes he could no longer feel on his feet.

“I suppose one round can’t hurt.”

Merlin gave a small smile and opened his mouth to respond when Will’s voice rang out.

“Oi, asshole! You gonna help the crip with the giant wheelchair?”

They turned to see Will awkwardly pushing another chair in front of him and Merlin snorted before getting up to help.

“You could’ve asked before, you know.”

“But I’m all strong and independent.”

Merlin raised an eyebrow. “Well, you’re independent.”

The two laughed, clearly no heat behind the insults, and Arthur had no idea how he was meant to react. The two were clearly close, more brothers than friends, and Merlin looked actually relaxed around him. Definitely more relaxed than Arthur had ever seen him.

But then, he and Merlin weren’t friends, were they?

The sports chair was brought next to him and he slowly maneuvered himself into it, grateful for Merlin not offering help even though he probably looked like an idiot.

When he was in the chair, he gave a slight nod, allowing Merlin to move his old one out of the way. He tested out his new wheels, noticing how much lighter and more flexible it was. Maybe he wouldn’t make a total fool of himself. After all, he was still fit, legs aside.

“I’ll referee, then,” Merlin returned to his seat and Arthur followed Will onto the court. He was handed an obnoxious yellow vest to put over his shirt so they could tell the teams apart. The others gave a small nod in greeting and the game started.

It wasn’t terrible, but Arthur was not as great as he thought he’d be. He wasn’t used to the chair or playing while in a chair in general. The ball kept slipping out of his grip and he couldn’t reach it from the ground and he was a complete mess. At least Matthew, a bloke from his team, kept whispering some advice to him.

By the end of the game, Arthur’s team had completely lost, but he was better than before and actually helped score the last point. His team didn’t look sad at losing, easily slapping fives and congratulating each other on a good game. Arthur found he wasn’t upset, either. In fact, the weird swelling in his chest was more like… happiness. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt that, even before the accident.

“Good game, clotpole,” Merlin tossed him a towel and Arthur wiped down his flushed face. He couldn’t help but grin, feeling oddly light, and even asked if Merlin could help him into his chair, his arms pleasantly aching after the game.

Merlin held out his arms, allowing Arthur to use him as an anchor as he levered himself.

“That was fun.”

“No need to sound too surprised. Basketball is a fun game.”

Arthur snorted as Merlin waved goodbye to the others, promising Will to call later, before they started for the car.

“Really. I- Thank you, Merlin.”

“Arthur Pendragon, thanking me? Am I dreaming?”

“Maybe,” Arthur smiled. The happiness in his chest tightened at Merlin’s smirk and he was hit with another emotion he wasn’t sure he’d ever felt before. He was pretty sure he knew what it was, though, and it was not good.

Not good at all.


	14. Straight Jump

Merlin was glad he took Arthur to the court, even if it was weird seeing him with all of his old friends. Arthur had asked to go back sometime, though, so it must’ve gone well. Will would probably yell at Merlin later, but that wasn’t exactly new.

Will was the first person he’d ever told about his magic and Merlin was always grateful that his response was, “So, who do we prank first?”

He was also protective, so the fact that Merlin was spending all this time with Arthur bleeding Pendragon did not sit well with his best friend. Which was fair, especially given the circumstances.

Arthur had looked so happy after the game and Merlin wanted to believe that things could be okay. Unfortunately, when they got back to the grounds, there was a crowd of people waiting outside of the stadium. Gwen, Morgana, and Lance were standing to the side, whispering furiously, but they immediately stopped when Arthur and Merlin approached them.

“What’s going on?”

They looked over and Merlin could immediately tell that whatever they were going to say would not be good. He took a step to the side in the hopes of avoiding becoming a target.

“Arthur,” Lance worked up the nerve to speak first. “He’s looking for a trapeze artist.”

“What?” Arthur’s face went pale and if Merlin thought it would be accepted he would put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Lance said. “He needs someone for the next show.”

“But I’m- I’ll be fine.” Arthur spoke like he truly believed it, which made everything worse. Merlin looked at the others, all of them thinking the same thing. Morgana took over, as she had the best chance of getting Arthur to listen.

“The board is hounding him. Your- er, the accident caused some bad press and he needs to show that the circus is still going strong.”

“But-”

“I’m sure it’s just temporary,” Morgana smiled. “Just to get the board off his back.”

Arthur frowned, but didn’t respond. Instead, he swung his chair around so he could leave. Merlin sighed.

“It’s so awful,” Gwen said, her hand clutched in Morgana’s. “What if he can’t-” She couldn’t finish, but it was clear what she meant. 

It was very likely Arthur would never walk again and he was the only one refusing to see it. If these auditions were anything to go by, even his father had accepted it.

Lance took Gwen’s other hand. “Come on. We should probably get to work.”

Gwen nodded, but Morgana stepped away. “You two go ahead. I just want to talk to Merlin for a moment.”

The two left and Morgana bit her lip, not speaking for a minute. Merlin waited patiently, his own mind still struggling to calm down.

“Are you okay?”

That was not what he expected.

“Huh?”

“I just,” Morgana’s eyes shifted nervously. “I had a bad dream the other night. About you. It made me a little worried, so I was wondering…”

“I’m fine,” Merlin lied. “It’s Arthur I’m worried about.” That part was true.

“I know it was just a dream, but you- you were so sad. Like your heart was breaking. And I, well. You sure?”

Merlin’s heart was racing, but he gave Morgana a reassuring smile. “Really, I’m fine. What about you? You seem tired.”

“It’s nothing,” Morgana’s smile was shaky and her eyes were shining. “Just these dreams. They keep waking me up.”

“I can talk to Gaius, if you want? Maybe get something to help you sleep?”

“Really?”

“Of course. You’re my friend.” The words struggled to leave his mouth. They felt too much like a lie.

But Morgana looked so happy, eyes full of hope. “Oh, thank you Merlin! That might help!”

“I’ll stop by later tonight to drop it off.”

Morgana took his hand to give a gentle squeeze before running off. Merlin figured he should go after Arthur and make sure he was okay. 

The trailer was unlocked when he arrived and Arthur was in the main area, face in his hands. Merlin slowly walked to the couch and took a seat, waiting for him to speak first.

“I’m fine.”

Merlin said nothing.

“I’m clearly going to be out of commission for a while. It makes sense for my father to be looking for someone else.”

It wasn’t clear whether he was talking to Merlin or to himself, but he finally looked up when he next spoke.

“I will get better, though, right?”

It was Merlin’s turn to look down, staring at his hands and considering all that they had done. He had hurt Arthur and he would probably never come clean about that, but he could try, now to comfort him. To pretend that he hadn’t caused Arthur’s injury and that Arthur hadn’t murdered the love of Merlin’s life.

“Do you miss it? Trapeze?”

Arthur thankfully didn’t comment on the subject change.

“I miss being in the air. It’s the closest I could ever get to flying. I also miss training. Without the structure I feel like I have nothing to do and it was all I was really taught, so without trapeze… what more can I offer?”

“It’s not your only skill. And even if that’s where your training is, you have time to learn something else.”

“Maybe,” Arthur said. “But the trapeze was the only way I could help my father.”

Merlin shifted on the couch so he could put a hand on Arthur’s, squeezing slightly.

“I could be way out of line here, but I know you’ll tell me if you want me to shut up.” That pulled a smile, so Merlin went on. “If your father wasn’t a factor, would you still want to stay? To have this as your career?”

Arthur’s eyebrows furrowed together, more confused than angry.

“But he is a factor. This is what my father has always wanted of me.”

“But what do you want?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Arthur said so sincerely Merlin felt his chest ache. 

“It should,” Merlin said. “I know he’s your father. I understand wanting to make him happy, but if it comes at the cost of yourself, it’s not worth it.”

Arthur shook his head, even as hand hand turned over underneath Merlin’s to squeeze back, seeking an anchor.

“I can’t do that. I can’t put myself first.”

“Then you need more people in your life who will do it for you.”

Merlin was earnest and sincere, something he didn’t expect to feel for someone he’s disliked for so long, the son of his most bitter enemy. Something else he didn’t expect was Arthur leaning forward and brushing their lips together.

It lasted barely a second, though not for lack of trying on Arthur’s part. As soon as he tried to deepen the kiss, Merlin jumped up, nearly tripping in his haste to back away.

Arthur was looking at him with wide, shining eyes and Merlin felt guilt and fear swirling in his stomach, making him sick.

“I have to-” Merlin’s tongue thickened in his mouth as his hand fumbled for the doorknob. “I’m sorry.”

He left, making sure he didn’t look back.


	15. Sleeping Beauty

Merlin lay on his bed, staring at his ceiling and wondering what the hell he was going to do. His hands were shaking and when he’d delivered the medicine to Morgana, he was sure it was only her own tiredness that prevented her from commenting.

The easiest solution was to run away, but he couldn’t leave his friends stuck in cages forever and he couldn’t leave knowing Uther and Aredian were going to continue hurting innocent people. He hated that he still had morals, though slightly compromised when he hurt Arthur.

He hurt Arthur and now he did it again. He had no idea why Arthur decided to kiss him, how he reached that point, but nevertheless kissing was something Arthur wanted from Merlin and Merlin couldn’t give that to him. Not when Arthur had no idea who he was and what he’d done.

Not when Merlin couldn’t help but see him as the man who killed Freya. When he and Freya went their separate ways, he had accepted they might not end up together, but it was a whole other thing to kiss the man who took her away.

Merlin rolled over so his tears could fall into his pillow. The damp fabric soon made his face itch, but he stayed. He didn’t even kiss Arthur back. Of course not, it wasn’t like Merlin liked him or anything.

Sure, he liked Arthur as a person. They had gotten off on the wrong foot, but Merlin knew Arthur wasn’t that bad and he could’ve been much worse with Uther as his father. Logically, Arthur couldn’t have known the panther...

And Uther was his father. That was another fact Merlin couldn’t discredit. Literally, he could not, because every time he looked at Arthur all he could see was his own mistakes or Uther’s sins. He wondered what would happen if he tried to look at Arthur himself. Arthur the man.

A man who wasn’t like his father, as far as Merlin knew. He had killed and Merlin was pained and angry about it, but the logical side of him knew that Arthur believed he was acting defensively. Merlin had killed before, too, and they weren’t enchanted when he did so. Arthur was focused on the lives he was saving, not the ones he was taking.

If this were years ago, if Merlin had met Arthur on the street or in a pub, he had to admit he’d be interested. A bit of an arse, but a good man. Honourable. Loyal. More like a knight than a trapeze artist.

But it wasn’t years ago, it was now. And now, Merlin had too many factors to deal with to consider romance, be it Arthur or anyone else.

No, he would do nothing about this. Uther had given him a job, but surely Arthur wouldn’t want Merlin around. He could have someone else deliver Arthur’s medicine. He could get Gaius’ help. Merlin was supposedly the greatest sorcerer of all time, he’d be damned if he couldn’t avoid the bloke who’d kissed him.

* * *

The next morning, Merlin woke up feeling hungover, despite never being drunk. At least, it felt like a hangover given the tiredness and the headache and the heavy, aching feeling in his limbs. He knew he’d been asleep, but at that moment he felt like he’d barely closed his eyes.

Nevertheless, he managed to portray some semblance of life and even managed a greeting to Gaius on his way out.

He spotted Gwen by the mess hall and waved her down.

“Good morning, Merlin.”

She was smiling, pleasant as ever, but her eyes seemed dim compared to her usually light.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes, I- I just-” 

Her smile broke and Merlin immediately wrapped her in his arms, holding her as he felt tears dampen his shirt. He rubbed her shoulders soothingly until she managed to speak, pulling back with a nervous expression.

“I’m sorry, normally only Lance and Morgana see me like this, but I’m just so worried.”

“What happened?”

“Morgana,” Gwen sniffed, pulling out a cloth to gently dab at her eyes. “She’s been so  _ off  _ lately and I want to help, but she won’t talk to us. We talk about everything, it’s how we make polyamory work. If she doesn’t want to tell us- it must be terrible, right?”

“Oh, Gwen,” Merlin sighed, putting an arm around her comfortingly. “I’m sure she’s fine. Maybe she doesn’t want to worry you guys or she wants to deal with it on her own.”

“I still don’t like it.”

Merlin gave a small smile. “You don’t have to like it. Just accept it.”

When Gwen didn’t seem too happy about that, he went on.

“Tell you what, I’ll try and talk to her. Sometimes people want to talk to strangers rather than people they’re close to. Less worry about being judged.”

“I would never judge her!”

“I know that,” Merlin assured. “And you know that, but if Morgana is struggling, she may not know that.”

Gwen took a deep, steadying breath and put on a smile. “Alright. Thank you, Merlin.”

“Any time. How about I go find her now? Can you drop these meds off at Arthur’s?”

“Of course!”

He passed her the bottles and gave her shoulder one last squeeze before she left. Safe in the knowledge that he could avoid Arthur a little longer.

He found Morgana in the training room, sitting on a mat and warming up.

“Need a buddy?”

Morgana nodded and he sat across from her so he could hold her hands and pull her forward, her nose touching the mat between her knees.

“So,” Merlin started before being pulled forward as Morgana leaned back.

“Gwen or Lance?”

Merlin sputtered, but when he looked up and saw her expression, he gave up.

“Gwen. But they’re both worried about you.”

“I’m  _ fine. _ ”

She let go of him, sending him falling back, and stood up. Merlin followed her and looked at her face. She didn’t seem fine, not at all. She seemed tired and her eyes looked afraid. Very afraid, in fact, and Merlin couldn’t help but think that he recognized that expression.

“Morgana, I get if you don’t want to talk to Gwen or Lance. They care about you and you care what they think. But I’m the new guy, you shouldn’t care how I react, so if you want someone to talk to…”

“I can’t, Merlin!”

The fear in her eyes briefly flashed to terror and Merlin’s jaw dropped because he knew exactly what that expression was. He’d seen it on many young faces when they showed up to him or Nimueh. Hell, he saw it on his own face every day growing up.

Morgana was afraid of herself and what she might do.

Some of his recognition must’ve shown because Morgana’s expression softened. Merlin stepped forward and spoke slowly and calmly.

“You look tired. Has something happened? Are you… having nightmares?”

Her eyes widened and she stepped away from him.

“How do you know?”

Merlin mentally cursed. Nightmares could mean many things, but Morgana had mentioned a dream about him. Could it be…

“The dreams you’ve been having. Have they been coming true?”

The look on her face confirmed it and Merlin felt a pit in his stomach. Uther’s daughter being a potential Seer was not good. Sure, the gift was rare and special, but it had to be nursed and cared for. Uther didn’t seem like the caring type.

“Look, Morgana, there’s nothing to worry about.”

“How do you know?” Her voice broke, tears falling. “Before Arthur’s fall, I dreamt it. I saw it happen and I thought it was just a silly dream, me being worried for him, but it happened! He was hurt and I could’ve stopped it!”

Merlin winced, guilt creeping up and he had to swallow it back to focus on the matter at hand.

“Morgana, knowing the future doesn’t mean you can stop it. Being a Seer is nothing bad, it just means you have to learn that there are things beyond control. There are greater powers at work. Fate. Destiny. Magic woven into the very fabric of the world and your powers are just one glimpse of it.”

Morgana’s face had turned ashen and Merlin was worried she might be sick.

“Powers? Magic? Seer? Why are you talking like-”

“I’ve seen this before? Because I have. And you can’t be scared. Fear will only make it worse.”

Morgana sniffed, wiping furiously at her eyes. “Merlin, you realize how crazy this all sounds, right? So I’m having dreams, that doesn’t mean that magic exists!”

Merlin took a deep breath. He was making a serious gamble here. Nimueh always warned him about being impulsive and this was Uther’s daughter in front of him, but he had already made a mistake with Arthur and he’d be damned before he hurt another innocent.

“But it does.”

Morgana looked like she was ready to run, but then Merlin’s eyes flashed gold and he held out his hand, showing the delicate flames dancing across his palm.

“I know you’re scared. I know you don’t want to tell Gwen or Lance because you’re worried they’ll think you’re crazy or they’ll want to lock you up. I know you’re worried you might hurt them. But that doesn’t have to happen. You can learn control, confidence.”

Morgana’s mouth opened as she tried to speak, but no words came out. Merlin closed his fist and dropped his arm, but her eyes stayed glued to that spot as though still seeing magic.

“When you realized you were asexual, weren’t you also scared? Didn’t you think you might be broken or that there was something wrong with you? And then you learned more about it, you met others like you and it became a part of who you are, part of what made you whole. Magic is like that. Some people find and learn it, others are born with it. I was. You were.”

Morgana was still searching for words, so Merlin pulled her into a hug. That was the second time that day his shirt was stained with tears and once again, he didn’t care. He just held Morgana as she cried and when her knees buckled he lowered them both to the ground so they could sit together.

“I thought I was going crazy,” Morgana croaked. “I can’t believe magic is real. That you’re- That  _ I’m- _ ”

“I know. My father had magic, but he died when I was young, so I couldn’t really- and I didn’t meet anyone else like me until I was older. It’s lonely and terrifying, but it’s normal.”

“Thank you, Merlin. For telling me.”

Merlin shrugged. “You shouldn’t have to go through this alone.”

“Does anyone else know?”

“My mother, of course. And I have some friends with magic that I met. Gaius knows and also Lance.”

Morgana leaned back in shock. “Lance?”

“Turns out he’s met some sorcerers before. If you want to talk to him before Gwen, I’m sure he’d be understanding. He’s kept my secret.”

“I didn’t know. I-”

“You were scared,” Merlin stated. “He loves you. Gwen loves you. They’ll be there for you, no matter what.”

Morgana nodded with certainty before frowning.

“Does Arthur know? About you?”

Merlin couldn’t hold back a sharp laugh. “Oh god, no.” At Morgana’s pale expression, he quickly amended. 

“Not that he’d judge you! Just, you know, he and I aren’t the best of pals. You’re his sister, he’ll be nicer to you.”

Morgana seemed to accept that, as she was comfortable enough to scoff.

“I think you underestimate his opinion of you.”

Merlin thought to their brief kiss and felt his cheeks flame. If Morgana noticed, she thankfully didn’t comment. Instead, she changed the topic.

“Do you think I should tell Uther?”

Merlin almost wished they were still talking about Arthur. It must have shown because Morgana frowned at him.

“What is it?”

“I mean, if you’re worried about him not believing you, don’t. Uther knows magic exists.”

“Really? How do you know that?”

Merlin squirmed, but knew he couldn’t lie. 

“The magic community knows all about Uther. He’s not exactly our biggest fan. His man, Aredian, we all call him the Witchfinder.”

“Oh gosh, Merlin-”

“I’m not saying don’t tell him,” Merlin said. “But be cautious. If anyone could change his mind, it would be you.”

Morgana nodded thoughtfully before something dawned on her. 

“If Uther is so notorious, why would you come work here?”

Merlin scrambled for an explanation and couldn’t find one. 

“You came on purpose, didn’t you? To get to him.”

Merlin looked down, unable to disagree.

“So, you spending time with us, befriending us, was that all a ruse?”

“Oh god, Morgana, no,” Merlin rushed out. “Yes, I was after Uther, but I didn’t want to hurt any of you. Yes, you are close to Uther, but I would never use you like that. Uther has hurt people I care about, I just wanted to help them.”

“You  _ didn’t  _ want to hurt any of us? What do you mean by that?”

Merlin felt like he was going to throw up and Morgana’s eyes went round.

“Arthur… Was that you?”

“I didn’t mean to,” he said, blinking back tears. “Really, I just- I was so mad and he’d killed someone-”

“He  _ killed _ ?”

“When Uther captured sorcerers, he didn't just kill them. He finds them useful, so he has Aredian turn them into animals.”

“The panther.” Morgana looked like she was going to be sick, too.

“And I know he didn’t know, I know logically it’s not his fault, but I was so angry and I wanted him to hurt and I wanted Uther to hurt and-”

“I need to go,” Morgana stood up. Merlin stood too, reaching out desperately.

“Morgana, please don’t tell him,  _ please. _ ”

“I don’t- I won’t- I can’t-” Morgana backed away slowly. “I need to talk to Lance. And Gwen. I just need to not be here right now.”

Merlin reluctantly nodded and watched her go, carrying all his secrets on the tip of her tongue.


	16. Full Turn

When Merlin wasn’t arrested or kidnapped within the next few days, he assumed Morgana hadn’t spilled his secret. He hadn’t seen her again, though, so he figured she must be avoiding him. Not that he could blame her, especially when he was doing the same thing to Arthur.

He had received a couple texts, which he was ignoring, but it seemed Arthur had given up. Gaius had agreed to help out, Merlin citing Arthur being suspicious of magic as an excuse. 

Still, he couldn’t do this for the rest of his life and he needed to find a way to deal with Uther. He wasn’t comfortable with just offing him, no matter how much Mordred urged him, but he couldn’t just let him go free. Ideally they could capture him, but Uther Pendragon disappearing was bound to be noticed, especially by his family.

He was sitting on the steps to his trailer, wondering if he could just break out all of the animals and lead them in a stampede, when Lance found him.

“Merlin! There you are!”

“What is it?”

“It’s Morgana!”

Merlin jumped up in alarm. “Did she talk to you?”

“Yes, she told me about the dreams and we talked to Gwen. She’s still wrapping her head around magic existing, but it went well.”

Lance didn’t show any indication of Morgana telling them about what Merlin did, but his heart was still racing.

“So what’s the matter?”

“She’s gone!”

“Gwen?”

“No,” Lance was practically shaking with worry. “Morgana. She told us about what you said, about what Uther did. She went to go confront him.”

“What? Alone?”

“Yes! And that was two days ago! I thought she might need time, but then Aredian brought in a new animal. A jaguar.”

Merlin gripped the railing for support as his head spun.

“Morgana.”

Lance nodded. “I know it sounds weird but when I saw it-her, I just… I think it’s her.”

“It probably is. Oh my god, why would she- How could he-”

“I know,” Lance said. “Please, we need your help.”

Merlin’s hands landed in his hair, pulling at strands in desperation.

“I know, I know. They all need help, but Uther and Aredian. I can’t just blast in there!”

“Why not?”

For someone as level headed as Lance usually was, Merlin was quite disconcerted at his disregard for safety.

“Because people could get hurt and, most likely, all that would happen is me being arrested. Or turned into a snail.”

“Merlin-”

“I’m thinking, I’m thinking!”

“Merlin-”

“I can’t hurt Uther. I can maybe hurt Aredian, but then Uther would be after me.”

“Merlin-”

“Argh, I’ve been stuck on this the entire time I’ve been here. I could call reinforcements, but then there would definitely be casualties.”

“Merlin!”

He looked up when Lance grabbed him by the shoulders.

“What?”

Lance took a deep breath, which Merlin mimicked to try and calm down.

“I think you need to tell Arthur.”

Merlin lost any calmness as he processed the words.

“No.”

“Merlin,” Lance began, but Merlin shook his head.

“That would go terribly. He would either not believe me or be scared of me or hate me even more than he already does.”

“We both know he doesn’t hate you.” Lance gave him a pointed look and Merlin blushed.

“Maybe, but he will if I tell him.”

“Merlin. Morgana couldn’t change Uther’s mind, but maybe Arthur can. Or maybe he knows how to help. It’s worth a try.”

“Lance-”

“I love Morgana,” Lance stated. “And so does Gwen. We can’t just sit by and let this happen to her. If Arthur can help, you’re the only one who can talk to him. Get him to believe. We don’t have magic, we’ll just sound crazy trying to tell him.”

That was true and that was why Merlin was so nervous. It was one thing to tell Arthur that Morgana had magic and was turned into a magical circus animal, but to get Arthur to actually believe them, Merlin would have to reveal his magic and there was no way of knowing how he’d react to that. When Merlin had told Will, it had gone well. When his father had told Uther, though, it had gone horribly.

But Merlin had already hurt Arthur and he had promised not to do the same to Morgana. He had no choice.

“Alright. I’ll talk to him.”

Lance’s smile was what assured Merlin he was doing the right thing, but his stomach was still twisted in knots as he walked away from the trailer and to the main area.

He had known Arthur long enough that he knew where to find him and, sure enough, there he was; in the empty arena and staring wistfully at the swings up top.

“Hey, Arthur.”

He looked over, eyes widening at the sight of Merlin.

“Er, hi,” he quickly recovered, though his fingers still fidgeted nervously. Merlin walked over to sit on a bench and Arthur wheeled over to face him.

“I haven’t seen you in a while,” Arthur said bluntly. Merlin nodded, trying to gather his thoughts.

“Look, I’m sorry-”

“Arthur, I-”

They both spoke at once before going silent. Merlin nodded for Arthur to go first, needing more time to think, anyway.

“Merlin, I’m sorry about the other day. I shouldn’t have assumed-”

“Oh no, Arthur,” Merlin interrupted. “You don’t need to be sorry. I was just- I panicked and I ran and then I was a coward.”

“If you don’t feel the same, I understand. We can still be friends, or whatever we were before.”

Merlin fought a smile and lost.

“It’s not that I don’t feel the same.”

Arthur’s eyes lit up. “Really?”

Merlin swallowed. 

“It’s just that I have to tell you something and I don’t know how.”

Hands reached out and took his, the pressure comforting.

“You can tell me anything. I promise.”

Nodding, Merlin met Arthur’s gaze. “Do you believe in magic?”

Clearly that wasn’t what Arthur was expecting him to say.

“Magic? Like Santa or the Tooth Fairy?”

Merlin resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

“Like spells. Enchantments. Witches and warlocks.”

“Um,” Arthur was clearly trying to take Merlin seriously, but was struggling. “Like Wiccans? Are you pagan or something?”

“Well, I am pagan, but that’s not what I mean.” Merlin ignored Arthur’s surprised expression and forged on.

“Look, Arthur. Magic is real. I’m magic. I’m a sorcerer, a warlock. I can do magic.”

“Like, with healing crystals and voodoo dolls?”

“Like I can move things with my mind and control fire.”

Arthur let go of Merlin’s hands and moved back.

“You really believe that?”

“Your father… he never mentioned anything to you?”

“My father?”

“He knows magic exists, too.”

Arthur laughed. “My father believes in magic? Have you met him?”

Merlin wiped his sweaty palms on his pants before holding one out. It was now or never.

He whispered the spell and watched Arthur gape at the glowing blue orb that appeared between them.

Arthur reached out, his hands falling through the light. His face was lit with white, highlighting his shocked expression.

“This is… this is magic?”

With a thought, Merlin made the light disappear. He didn’t say anything, waiting for Arthur to react.

“Magic exists.”

Merlin nodded.

“And you have magic.”

He nodded again.

“Could you…” Arthur bit his lip and Merlin knew what he was asking before he said it. “Could you fix my legs?”

Merlin shook his head sadly. “I wish I could, honestly. I tried, but I’m really bad with healing magic and your injury was too severe. It’s why I went into medicine, so I could heal people another way.”

Arthur looked down. “I kept wishing for a magical solution and now, even though magic exists, it still can’t help.”

“I’m sorry, Arthur.”

“It’s not your fault,” Arthur assured. Merlin did not feel comforted in the least, seeing as it was.

“If you want,” Merlin began. “I could try something.”

“What?”

“Close your eyes.”

Arthur obeyed and Merlin whispered a spell. The air picked up around them and slowly, carefully, they were both lifted up. Arthur’s chair stayed on the ground as they were carried by magic higher and higher. Arthur’s eyes stayed closed, but his mouth was open in wonder as they flew through the air.

Merlin directed them to the trapeze swing and settled them there, securing Arthur with another spell.

“Open.”

Arthur’s eyes opened and he looked around happily.

“I can fly again.”

Merlin had never seen Arthur smiling so brightly. Sharing his magic was worth it, if it could get that reaction.

Arthur finally returned his gaze to Merlin and placed a hand on his.

“Thank you for this.”

Merlin nodded, not trusting his voice. Then Arthur was leaning in, the same expression on his face as when he kissed Merlin the other day. He turned his face just in time, the kiss landing on his cheek.

Arthur pulled back and frowned. “I thought- I know about your magic.”

“That’s not all,” Merlin said. He knew now would be the best time to tell Arthur about his accident, but it was also the worst because Merlin needed Arthur’s help.

“It’s Morgana. She has magic too.”

“What?”

“She’s a Seer. I only found out about her recently, but I told her about my magic, I tried to help.”

Arthur read Merlin’s fear and his face lit up with alarm.

“What happened? Is she okay?”

“Remember how I told you your father knows about magic? Well, he knows, but he doesn’t understand. He sees it as something evil and Morgana went to talk to him and I- Lance thinks-”

Merlin broke off as Arthur shook his head.

“No, he would never hurt Morgana. He loves her.”

Merlin knew there was little chance of convincing Arthur that his father was evil, so he switched gears.

“Maybe, but she’s still missing and she talked to Uther last. Something might have happened to her and he might know something.”

“I’ll talk to him,” Arthur promised. “I’m sure he’ll help.”

Merlin nodded slowly. “Okay, but be careful. And I know he hates magic, but magic isn’t evil. I need you to believe that.”

Arthur smiled, lifting Merlin’s hand to press a kiss to his knuckles.

“I do, Merlin. I believe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RedPaprika here ;-) So, this last picture is the one that started it all, and that wonderful Penndragon27 claimed with my prompt :-) I drew it a year ago, with the basic idea that Arthur was a trapezist that had an accident (because of Merlin?) and became paralyzed and Merlin was maybe just a (magical) person who sweeps the floor, hence the broom next to the wheelchair (well actually my prompt was way longer and with more stuff but I don't exactly remember it) >< But angst was definitely in my mind, so they were crying!  
> I admit I was quite touched when I read this written part (even if there is no crying in the end) :-) I decided to redraw it all more closely to the actual written scene, to also see how the art evolved along the way.  
> But I am also still very attached to the original one, as it kind of encompasses the whole of the story in a way.
> 
> Anyway, I really love how my small ideas became this fanfiction and that we collaborated on this, and I hope you readers enjoy it as well!
> 
> And, side note, I will post all the drawings on my Tumblr (@rpaprika) once the story is complete 😊


	17. Shooting Star

Arthur’s head was spinning as fast as his wheels were as he headed for his father’s office. Magic was real, Merlin had magic, Morgana had magic.

It was a lot to process, but in a way it made sense. Merlin had always seemed magical in some way.

As he pushed his wheelchair forward, he couldn’t help but wish Merlin’s magic could heal him, but even as he’d asked he’d known it was unlikely. Maybe, if magic couldn’t heal him, this was meant to be his new normal. If magic existed, why not fate?

The door to his father’s office was cracked open, but he knocked anyway.

“Enter.”

Uther was seated at his desk, staring resignedly at some papers. He didn’t look like someone capable of hurting his own daughter. He just looked tired.

“Arthur! What can I do for you?”

He couldn’t help but feel pleased when his father actually looked happy to see him. That was a rare occurrence.

“It’s Morgana. Lance and Gwen haven’t seen her for a while and neither has anyone, really. I know you saw her last, so maybe you know where she is.”

Uther looked surprised, but Arthur knew his father well, so he saw the flash of fear before his expression was schooled.

“She’s missing? Are you sure? She may have just gone on a trip or something.”

“Father. I know.”

“You know?”

“About Morgana. About-about magic.”

This time the surprise was real, though it soon fell to resignation.

“I suppose she must’ve told you.”

Arthur didn’t deny it.

“Yes, Morgana has magic. Yes, she told me the other day.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

Uther laughed. “That magic exists? Would you have believed it?”

“If you told me, I might have.”

Uther smiled at that, a real one that Arthur hadn’t seen since he was a child.

“Perhaps. I didn’t want to worry you, though. Magic is dangerous, it’s evil.”

“Morgana isn’t dangerous or evil!”

“Maybe not at first, but now she knows. You should’ve heard her, going on about embracing it and learning more. She wanted to find others like her and I couldn’t allow her to be hurt.”

“What did you do to her?”

Uther sighed. “She’s safe. That’s all that matters.”

“Like hell it is,” Arthur spat.

“Arthur, I see I was wrong to hide this from you. I was just trying to protect you. I wanted you to live your life, become the famous acrobat you always dreamed of being.”

“You mean the acrobat  _ you  _ dreamed of me being.”

“Nevertheless,” his father went on. “Your career has been impacted, so maybe it’s time you join the family business. The  _ real _ family business.”

“What on earth are you talking about?”

“Magic, son.”

Arthur knew his father was strict. He knew his father was powerful and would do whatever it took to get what he wanted, but never had Arthur truly been afraid of him. Until that moment.

“Magic?”

He nodded. “It is a blight on the world. It feeds on innocent souls, it corrupts them. I’ve found a way to stop it. I thought I had kept you and Morgana safe, but it is clear there is no hiding from the devil.”

Arthur’s jaw fell. He felt like he was flying, but this time with no rope or magic. It was like when he was falling, with nothing to catch him but the solid ground.

Merlin wasn’t a devil. Merlin wasn’t corrupt or evil. He was  _ Merlin  _ and Arthur was very nearly sure that he was falling for him. Hopefully he’ll be caught this time.

“I have always protected you, Arthur, and that has included lying to you, but it is time you know the truth.”

“What truth?”

“Your mother. It was magic that killed her.”

Without the wheelchair beneath him, Arthur was sure he would’ve stumbled. He’d been told his mother had died during childbirth. He’d always felt partially responsible, even though he knew it was illogical.

“How?”

Uther shook his head. “I won’t torture you with the details. It was a sorceress, Nimueh. She was once a friend until she showed her true colours. That’s how I know magic is evil, Arthur. It can’t be trusted.”

Arthur was staring without seeing anything. Magic killed his mother, but Merlin was magic. Morgana had magic. Maybe it was just the one sorceress. Maybe it depended on the person, not the magic.

“There’s something else.”

Arthur focused on his father’s face, dreading what was coming.

“After your accident, we looked into what happened and, well…”

Uther opened a drawer next to him and pulled out a small glass vial as well as a bag of chalk. It looked like the chalk he’d used before his performance.

“What is that?”

“The chalk, it’s been enchanted. What happened to you… it wasn’t an accident.”

Arthur’s vision swam, whether from tears or dizziness, he wasn’t sure. Someone had tried to hurt him? But why? What had he ever done to incur such wrath?

“What’s the vial?” His voice was hoarse.

“Something Aredian made. When poured on a magical object it returns it to its original state. Then, it will return to its owner. We can use it to find whoever hurt you.”

Arthur couldn’t respond. He could only watch as Uther stood up and brought the items with him to the front of the desk.

“Unfortunately, to capture magic, one must use magic.”

He poured the clear liquid onto the chalk. It glowed for a moment before dissolving into a cluster of golden dots, like fireflies. It hovered for a moment before moving towards the door.

“Shall we?” Uther gestured.

Arthur could only nod and follow his father. The magic went down the hall and back the way he had come. It was moving faster than he could go, but Uther was keeping pace so he just followed him.

It wound up going back towards the arena and Arthur had a horrible, horrible thought. But it couldn’t be. There was no way it could be-

They entered the area and Arthur watched in horror as the golden magic flew over to where Merlin was sitting and disappeared.

Uther reacted first.

“Sorcerer!”

Merlin jumped up, hands raised defensively. He looked at Arthur in shock, which was wrong because Arthur was the only one allowed to be angry.

“You told him?”

Arthur shook his head slowly. His lips were trembling, but he spoke through it.

“That was- we were following magic. The magic that caused me to fall.”

Arthur was hoping this was all some big mistake, but the guilt on Merlin’s face crushed it in his chest.

“You?”

“Arthur, I-”

“Silence,” Uther broke in, oblivious to the turmoil going on in Arthur’s mind. “I gave you a job, allowed you to care for my son, and all the while you’ve been planning our downfall?”

“You’re one to talk!” All the fear and guilt vanished from Merlin’s face as anger took over. Arthur had never seen such an expression on Merlin, who was always so awkward and sweet. In that moment, he truly believed Merlin was dangerous.

Uther could sense it too, balking at the sorcerer.

“You’ve hunted people like me for years! We know about you and Aredian, we know what you’ve been doing!”

“So what?” Uther laughed, recovering from his fear. “This was some revenge quest? You went after my son?”

“You went after my father.”

Uther squinted, clearly trying to figure out who Merlin’s father was. Arthur had no idea and frankly, he didn’t care.

“You said magic wasn’t evil.”

Merlin’s angry expression finally fell as he looked at Arthur.

“It’s not, Arthur, I swear.”

“Maybe,” Arthur said. “But you are.”

Merlin’s face crumpled and Arthur wished he felt bad about it. His father reached into his pocket and pulled out another vial, this one filled with something black and viscous.

“Don’t worry, Arthur. This will stop him.” 

Uther threw the bottle and it broke at Merlin’s feet, emitting a flash of light. When it was gone, though, Merlin stood unfazed.

Arthur looked at his father, who was more nervous than Arthur ever thought him capable of.

“How-”

“That won’t work on me,” Merlin said before his eyes flashed gold. Arthur felt himself stiffen. He couldn’t move, not even his arms. He assumed his father was frozen as well.

Merlin gave Arthur a sincere look, though it could’ve been fake.

“I’m sorry.”

Then he ran.


	18. Reverse Suicide

Merlin was screwed. He was very screwed. He was doubly screwed. Triple. Quadruple.

He knew Uther was a terrible person, but the sheer hypocrisy of using magic to track him even though he was hunting sorcerers was infuriating.

And now Arthur knew everything. Well, almost everything.

He couldn’t go back to Gaius, that would get the old physician in trouble as well. He couldn’t go anywhere in the circus, he had to leave. 

His hands shook as he pulled out his phone, tilting it so the light was hidden as he crept towards the exit of the circus.

**Uther and Arthur know. Leaving grounds**

He didn’t get a response until he was well away from the tents and chaos, gasping as he tried to catch his breath, but his heart finally returning to a normal rhythm.

**Come home**

He winced at the message, but went on his way. He barely had anything with him, just his phone and a bit of cash, but he had magic at his disposal. Normally he would balk at the ethics of magically duplicating money, but he was starting to accept that his morals were now permanently screwed.

He wondered when everything went wrong. Was it when he hurt Arthur or even before that? Should he have never infiltrated the circus in the first place, even to save his friends? Maybe he had been wrong to join Nimueh. He had been so happy to find others like him, it had never entered his mind that they could be so different. Nimueh was there for him when his father died, she had taught him that he didn’t have to be afraid. And now he was considering betraying her, for the son of the man who had killed Balinor.

He managed to get on a bus, despite how manic he probably looked with what he’d just been through. He sat in the back, immediately letting his pounding head fall against the cool glass. It was soothing, if only for a few seconds, and he tried to take slow breaths and be reasonable.

It didn’t work. Each breath got shorter and shorter before his eyes stung and his face was wet with tears. He was probably earning himself some weird looks, but at that moment his mind was finally quiet as all he could do was cry.

* * *

When he reached his stop, he felt hollow and shaken. He had needed the cry, if only to let out some of the million emotions bubbling up inside him. He wished he could blame everything on Uther or Nimueh or Mordred or whoever, but his mistakes were his own and he had to fix them. 

He wanted to make things right with Arthur, but he had a sinking feeling that maybe he couldn’t. He was still shocked by how much he liked Arthur, how much he’d wanted to kiss him, but the fact was he’d lied and betrayed him and none of this would be easy. The only thing Merlin could do was get help, save his friends, and make sure Uther didn’t hurt anyone else.

It wasn’t a plan, it was barely an idea, but it was all he had. He approached the door to their hideout and took a deep breath before knocking on the metal door, the sound echoing before being carried away by the wind.

The door opened to reveal Mordred. Merlin waited for the jab, but it never came. Instead, his eyes were lowered and he looked almost contrite. It was an odd look on Mordred, for sure, but Merlin had no time to dwell on it as he was led to Nimueh’s office.

The room was warm, the fireplace never burning out, and her desk was empty except for a shallow dish of water.

Nimueh looked up as he entered, eyes flashing gold as she finished her scrying spell. She nodded for Merlin to take a seat and he obeyed, caught in the piercing blue gaze.

“When you came to me, Emrys, I was honoured. I knew your father and he was one of the greatest men I’d ever met. I met you when you were a baby, did you know that?”

Merlin shook his head.

“It was after Uther cast me out. I had nowhere to go and I got a note from Hunith. Balinor somehow managed to keep you hidden, luckily or Uther may have murdered you in your crib. They had found a new circus to be a part of, they were going to raise you there.”

Merlin nodded, remembering the stories his father told him before he’d died. While Balinor was rarely around growing up, dealing with the secret business Merlin only recently became privy to, Merlin had those few moments with him to hold onto. 

Nimueh went on.

“You were so small, I thought you looked so weak compared to who your father was. And then you clenched your scrawny little hand and brought a tree down outside.”

Merlin squirmed in his seat. His mother had told him that story and it always made him wonder if she was afraid of him. He knew she loved him, but it can’t have been easy. Nimueh spoke less with fear and more with wonder.

“I knew you’d do great things. I left, Uther had more anger at me than Balinor, but I knew we’d see each other again. I mourn your father every day, but I was grateful it meant we could finally be together.”

“What are you saying, Nimueh?”

“Your father told me so many stories about you. He said you would be powerful. He was so impressed, but also scared. You had no control. What if someone found you?”

Merlin fiddled with a stray thread on his sleeve, waiting for Nimueh to get to the point already.

“When you came to me, every one of those stories were proven true. Your power is incredible. When you killed the Sidhe, you barely had to lift a finger. You killed Muirden with a look. All of that rogue magic stoppered by your gift. I was worried you’d be too similar to your mother, but you proved that you could do whatever it took.”

Nimueh brought a finger to the water, dipping the tip in to swirl it around. The water glowed and brought up a series of images. There was Merlin and Arthur on the swing, kissing. Then it switched to Uther and Arthur facing Merlin, him running away.

“Tell me, Merlin. Is it only those with magic you wish to kill? Are Sidhe inhuman enough to grant it, but the man who had your father killed is to be shown mercy?”

“Nimueh-”

Merlin was cut off by Nimueh slapping the bowl aside, sending it crashing to the ground and shattering, water seeping into the floor.

“He was right in front of you! Threatening your life, your friends, our people! Muirden barely lifted a finger towards Gaius and you sent an axe through his head, so tell me,  _ Emrys,  _ why couldn’t you do the same to Uther? Why does he get to live? You’ve made yourself judge and executioner and yet you judge him worthy?”

“I don’t-”

“And the boy, Arthur. Are you so incompetent you’ve fostered some sort of  _ feelings  _ for him? He is of Uther, he is just like him!”

“But he is of magic, too,” Merlin whispered, lifting his eyes to meet Nimueh’s gaze. She faltered at the words.

“How did you-”

“The assassin Uther sent was efficient, but not enough that I couldn’t speak to my father as he died. He told me about Ygraine and you. What you did.”

Nimueh narrowed her eyes. “Then you know my hatred is justified.”

“It is,” Merlin conceded. “But I joined you because I wanted to help those with magic. I want more than just revenge. What do you want, Nimueh?”

“I want Uther’s head on a spike,” Nimueh spat. “And if you’re too soft to get it done then I’ll do it myself. You had your chance, Emrys, now I’m going to stop Uther and damn anyone who gets in my way.”

Merlin made to stand, but Nimueh waved her hand and he was stuck to the chair. She stood and headed to the door.

“I know my magic can’t hold you, but it should give me enough time to get a head start. If you truly care about us, your family, I suggest you either help me or stay out of my way.”

“Nimueh-”

“Sóþcyning,” she said. Then she was gone.


	19. Crucifix Return

Arthur had no idea what he was doing. He had no idea what he had done or was supposed to do or if he should do anything at all.

His head was swirling with thoughts of magic, of Merlin. They had kissed. Merlin said he cared about Arthur, but was that all a lie? Was it all part of his plan to destroy Arthur and his father? 

But if it was a lie, why did Merlin run away after that first kiss? Was he that good of an actor? Was his conscience catching up with him?

His father seemed to be proud of Arthur and it was such a jarring feeling, he didn’t know how to respond. He so rarely had his father’s approval, surely it meant something. Merlin had hurt him, so maybe magic was evil.

Maybe Merlin was a monster.

Arthur shook his head, trying to focus on the present. Merlin was gone and after what happened, he wouldn’t be surprised if they never saw each other again. He didn’t want to see Merlin again, mainly because he wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle it.

He wheeled out of his trailer, remembering that day when Merlin saved him from falling. Sure, Arthur wouldn’t have been hurt that badly, but Merlin had still done it. He had made Arthur fall from the trapeze and then helped him. Was it a ploy to get close to him? Or had something in Merlin changed?

Arthur tried to block out all thoughts of his magical mess when Percival ran up to him, panting from his rush.

“Your father sent me. He needs to see you in the arena right away!”

Arthur nodded and headed off, moving as fast as he could. He hadn’t spoken to his father since facing he-who-must-not-be-named, both of them needed time to think. He wondered what Uther was planning next.

His father was sitting in the bleachers when he arrived. In his hands was a crinkled piece of paper, but he shoved it into his pocket when he saw Arthur.

“You’re here, good. How are you? I know you cared for the boy.”

He was surprised his father had noticed and that he cared to ask. He had wanted to be close to his father for so long, he wasn’t sure how he felt about it being the result of such chaos.

“I’m fine,” he spoke assuredly. “He wasn’t who I thought he was.”

Uther nodded as Arthur rolled over to the bleachers so he could look up at his father.

“I know this is all new and it’s a lot to handle, but this is an example of what I was trying to protect you from. Magic corrupts. They may try to do the right thing, but in the end sorcery will win out and only bring harm.”

“You said…” Arthur paused, unsure if he wanted the answer. “You said magic killed my mother. How did it happen?”

“I was young and naive,” his father said bitterly. “I had friends I cared for. That I thought cared for me. They had magic and they betrayed me. It cost your mother’s life.”

“I’m sorry,” Arthur said. His father rarely spoke about his mother. He had seen some photos and was often told he looked like her, but that was it. He’d also been told Uther wasn’t the same after she died. 

“It’s not your fault,” Uther said, his voice firm like he was telling himself too. “It was magic. And I’ve devoted my life to making things right.”

“What about Morgana?” Arthur couldn’t help asking. “She has magic, too. Will she be okay?”

Uther looked down at his hands. Arthur was never good at reading his father, but this was the closest to regret he’d ever seen.

“I want her to be. I’ll make sure she’s safe, but if she has chosen magic, there’s no telling what could happen.”

Arthur tilted his head, remembering something Merlin had said. “Did she choose it? What if magic chose her?”

“Anyone with sense would stay away from such things,” his father snapped. “If she had gone on ignoring it, she might have been fine. But she started to welcome it and that is why she’s in danger. I trust that boy had something to do with it.”

Arthur could only nod, mind racing with possibilities and fears.

“You’ve seen what magic can do,” his father went on. “Can I trust that you are on my side in this?”

The question hung in the air for a moment as Arthur thought. Finally, he took a deep breath and answered.

“I don’t want anyone else to get hurt.”

Uther nodded. “Good. There has been a development and I want you to be a part of the decision.”

Arthur waited as Uther sent a text and then the doors opened. Aredian walked in first, tall and confident with a smug satisfaction about him. He was leading a woman in iron chains. She was pretty, but in a way where it was impossible to tell how old she was. Even from across the arena he could feel her blue eyes cutting into him.

Uther stood to meet them and the woman gave him a look of pure loathing. Uther looked at her with anger, but also guilt.

“Uther,” she spat.

“Nimueh.”

Arthur slowly moved closer and Uther looked at him with guarded eyes.

“This is her,” he whispered. “The witch who killed your mother.”

Arthur didn’t have a chance to process that information before Nimueh spoke.

“Do not blame me for your sins, Uther Pendragon.”

“What?” Arthur looked between the two, Aredian watching on disinterestedly. 

“Do not listen to her,” his father said coldly. “You know that sorcerers only lie.”

“I do not lie,” Nimueh said. “We told you the rules, it’s not our fault you didn’t listen.”

“You told me nothing!” Uther shouted. Arthur had seen his father disappointed, cold, and unfeeling. He had never seen so much emotion from him before.

“What are you talking about?” Arthur asked. Nimueh turned to look at him. Even though her magic seemed restricted, he could tell she was not to be trifled with.

“Your father goes on about magic being evil, but he is the one who brought endless pain and suffering. He’s the reason your mother died.”

“I had nothing to do with-”

“You wanted a son,” Nimueh stated to Uther. “Your wife was barren. You went to magic for help. You know that magic comes with a price.”

Arthur looked at his father. His mask had slipped and it seemed that everything Nimueh said was true.

“How did she die?” Arthur asked.

“Ygraine could not conceive, so magic was used. Magic demands balance so in order for your life to be born, hers had to end.”

“Mine?” His voice was quiet. “So it’s my fault?”

Nimeh scoffed, looking down at him derisively. “Don’t be so arrogant. You may have been born of magic, but it was your father who made the deal. Who begged for our help. I warned him, Balinor warned him.”

“Balinor?”

Nimueh ignored him and shook her hands, trying to break the chains. When it seemed she was still stuck, Uther stepped closer.

“The boy. Is he…?”

“He is,” Nimueh said.

“How?”

“It was after you cast him out,” she explained, though Arthur had no idea what she was talking about. “He was on the run and met a woman. Before you had him killed, of course.”

Nimueh’s gaze was steely, as though daring Uther to deny it. He simply looked down and Arthur felt a cold feeling settle in his stomach.

“You had someone killed?” 

Uther didn’t look like his father at that moment. He was a stranger, eyes haunted by years of pain Arthur had known nothing about.

“I had to.”

“No,” Nimueh said. “You wanted to.”

Uther’s fist clenched. “It was justice. Something you’re about to learn about.”

“Don’t tell me about justice.” Nimueh stepped forward, interrupted by Aredian pulling at her chains. “Are you going to have me killed, too? Will you have your son do it? Or will I join your collection like the rest of my kin?”

Arthur wasn’t sure what his father would say and he never found out because at that moment the doors burst open and what seemed like every animal in their circus ran in.

He wanted to move, to do something, but he had no idea what. Uther and Aredian were frozen in shock, but Nimueh was smiling.

The animals surrounded them, the birds perching overhead and the others growling threateningly. Arthur had no idea what on earth was going on, but then someone else entered.

It wasn’t an animal. It was Merlin.


	20. Crucifix Catch

Merlin didn’t know what he was doing, but being careful was apparently getting him nowhere. So, as soon as he broke Nimueh’s spell he was on his way back to the circus like an idiot. Maybe what Gaius had been saying all these years was true.

The sight of a bunch of wild animals running through the circus was a strange one, but Merlin couldn’t give two shits anymore. He used magic to keep them on track and followed Nimueh’s trace to the arena.

When he entered, eyes flashing gold, he couldn’t help but falter at the sight of Arthur. He looked shocked, given the situation, but he was also looking right at Merlin and a dozen emotions passed between them.

His attention was pulled by Nimueh calling him, her face bright.

“I knew you’d choose well, Merlin. Care to do something about these chains?”

Merlin narrowed his eyes. “I haven’t decided yet. I’m only here to make sure you don’t hurt anyone.”

“And if I get hurt in the process?”

Merlin didn’t answer. Instead he turned to Uther. He had to admit that fear was a good look on the man.

“Uther Pendragon.” He couldn’t hide the bitterness in his voice, the pain. Merlin didn’t want to hate people, but he couldn’t help it. 

Uther met his gaze, though it seemed to take some effort. 

“Are you going to kill me?”

“I want to,” Merlin admitted. “I want you to pay for what you did to everyone I love.”

Uther looked down, seeming to accept defeat. It would be so easy. All Merlin had to do was wave a hand and Uther would be gone. He’d killed before, so he should be able to kill this man who’d caused him so much pain. The reason he lost his father, Freya. The reason he’d grown up so scared of being a monster that he wound up becoming one.

“But I won’t,” Merlin finally said. “Because the only thing worse than letting you go is to become you.”

Uther looked up as Merlin waved his hand. His magic coursed through him and he sent it to every animal in the room, breaking their collars.

The animals disappeared in a bright glow and then he was surrounded by confused, familiar faces. His friends. His kin.

Sefa had run over to help up Gilli. Daegal was rubbing his head, trying to grasp what was going on. 

He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Morgana. Her hair was mussed and her eyes were red, but she was okay. Merlin hugged her tightly, tears threatening to spill, and let her go.

Aredian was looking furious, Nimueh pleased. Arthur seemed eternally frozen in shock and Uther’s focus was on his daughter.

“Morgana?”

“Uther,” she spat.

He ignored her hostility and turned to Aredian, red with anger.

“You took my daughter?”

“You told me to take care of her,” Aredian stated. 

“I meant look after her! She wasn’t supposed to be with the others!”

Uther made to attack his employee, but Merlin moved faster, blocking him.

“So you can kidnap everyone, but Morgana is fine? Why is she the exception?”

“She’s my daughter,” Uther said. “I would never hurt her!”

“But they were all someone’s daughter.” Merlin waved a hand at his friends. “Someone’s son, someone’s loved one. You cannot claim to hate magic when you use it for your own purposes. You can’t kill my father, but have Taliesen treat your son. You can’t spend years enslaving my people and then worry when one of them turns out to be your family!”

For a moment, Uther seemed shaken by what Merlin said. Before he could respond, though, Aredian spoke up.

“Magic is a scourge, boy. I’ve said for years we should just do away with your kind, but Uther didn’t listen. If he’s too weak to end the threat, then I have no use for him.”

Aredian pulled something out of his jacket. It glinted as he aimed at Uther and Merlin instinctively moved to put a shield in front of the man who killed his father. At the last moment though, Aredian changed targets.

It all happened at once. The knife sailed through the air, aiming for Arthur. Merlin rushed to switch his focus, but knew he would fail. Uther launched himself at Aredian as there was the sickening squelch of metal piercing flesh.

There was a horrified gasp and Merlin willed himself to look. Arthur was white with shock, but he wasn’t bleeding. Instead, Nimueh lay on the ground, silver handle protruding from her stomach.

“Call an ambulance,” Merlin shouted as he ran over. He didn’t know who, but someone left to do as he said. 

He knelt beside Nimueh and felt angry sadness well up as for the once again, in too short a time, he held someone he cared for as she was dying.

“What did you do?” He muttered, waving his hand so her chains disappeared.

“I don’t suppose you’ve suddenly mastered healing magic?”

Merlin shook his head, putting pressure on the wound even as he knew there was nothing he could do. Someone joined him at Nimueh’s side and he looked over to see Uther’s grief-stricken face. His knuckles were split and bleeding, but Merlin had no time to wonder why.

“Nimueh,” Uther said, his hand gently pushing her hair back.

“I was so mad at you, Emrys,” Nimueh choked out. “I didn’t understand why you couldn’t kill the Pendragon boy. Guess I’m just as weak as you.”

“Or as strong,” Merlin said softly. Her eyes were the same as when he met her. Someone who loved her people and wanted to do right by them. It had been a long time since he’d seen that person.

“Why?” Uther asked, confusion colouring his tone. “You hate me.”

“But I cared for you once,” Nimueh admitted. “And I loved Ygraine. She died for her son. And so, it seems, shall I.”

“Nimueh…” Merlin couldn’t speak, his voice catching as he weeped openly. A hand fell to his shoulder and Merlin looked to see Arthur looking down at him, face twisted in guilt and pity.

Nimueh looked up at him, too, smiling. “You look like her. She would’ve loved you so much.”

“Thank you,” Arthur said quietly. Nimueh made to shrug, but winced in pain and Merlin held her down firmly.

“Just forgive Merlin. He didn’t want to hurt you. He’s too soft for that. He just wanted justice for his father.”

Merlin bent his head so it touched Nimueh’s and whispered a soft spell, trying to ease as much pain as he could. She let out a soft sigh as her eyes lost focus.

“I’m sorry, Merlin.”

Then she was gone. Merlin didn’t want to, but eventually he stood and looked around the room. Aredian lay on the ground, unconscious and head bleeding from where Uther had struck him. 

He looked down as Arthur took his hand.

“Was that her?” He asked. “The girl you loved.”

Merlin shook his head. He wasn’t sure he wanted to tell Arthur this, but he was done keeping secrets.

“No. Freya was taken before. Uther… She was turned into a panther.”

He watched as realization dawned, Arthur’s eyes widening in horror.

“You mean, I-”

“I know you didn’t know,” Merlin choked out, too many emotions bubbling up. “I know it wasn’t your fault, but I was still mad and hurt and I-”

“That’s why I fell,” Arthur said. Merlin nodded.

Arthur let go of his hand and Merlin missed the warmth. Uther was still kneeling by Nimueh’s body, but eventually he stood. His eyes were red, but his tears were gone.

“I’m sorry… Merlin,” he said. “About the girl. About… your father.”

“I’m sorry, too,” Merlin said. “About Arthur.”

Uther nodded before turning to Morgana. Most of the others had run out during the commotion, but she was still watching with wide eyes. 

“I’m sorry about you, too. I shouldn’t have- I should have listened.”

Morgana opened her mouth, probably in search of a snarky retort, but instead she just fell into her father’s arms and cried.

None of them seemed to know what to do next, loss and guilt weighing on all their minds. The decision was sped up by the arrival of the paramedics, as well as the police.

“What happened here?” One of them asked, surveying the scene. Merlin tried to gather his thoughts, but then Uther spoke up, pulling away from Morgana.

“It was me. This was all my fault.”

“Father,” Arthur started, but Uther waved him away.

“I’m willing to give you my full confession.” He held out his hands and the officer was confused as he handcuffed him.

He was about to lead Uther away, but was stopped.

“Wait.” Uther awkwardly reached into his pocket for a small piece of paper and held it out to Merlin.

“You should have this. I really am sorry.”

Merlin took it with shaking hands. It was a photograph.

Uther was center, young and smiling. His arm was around a blonde woman who had to be Ygraine. On his other side was Balinor and Nimueh. They were all so happy. They were all friends.

He felt tears returning, blurring the image. He felt exhaustion creep up on him as an officer put a blanket around him and escorted him to the station.


	21. Remount Turnaround

The circus had to close for a month. Given that the owner had been arrested and the main animal trainer was in a coma, there was doubt that it would open at all.

Part of Arthur wanted the circus to shut down. It had seen so much pain and suffering, better to do away with it all. But the circus was still home to a lot of people and he couldn’t take that away from them.

With his father gone, people kept coming to him for help and somehow, he wasn’t quite sure how, he wound up in charge. He hadn’t moved into his father’s office yet, but he was considering it. He may not be on the trapeze anymore, but he was still part of the circus and he could change things for the better.

For one, the circus no longer had animals. Even if there was no longer a risk of them being sorcerers in disguise, Arthur wanted to focus on the talented people they had in their employ. Speaking of…

“How’s our new trainee?”

Morgana and Gwen smiled at him before they all looked at Lancelot swinging above, holding onto Percival’s arms with a grin on his face.

“He’s managing,” Morgana said. “Considering he’s had no formal training, he’s doing remarkably well.”

Arthur nodded. He had been surprised when Merlin mentioned Lancelot as the new trapeze artist, but so far they’d all been pleasantly surprised.

Speaking of Merlin…

“I better get going,” he said, turning to leave.

“Of course,” Morgana smirked. “Wouldn’t want to keep your physician waiting.”

Arthur ignored her, face heating up, but her laughter followed him out the door.

He made sure to stop by every area as he headed back to his trailer, making sure everything was going well. Provided there were no more disasters, they might be able to reopen soon.

Arthur rolled up his ramp to find his door unlocked. Inside, Merlin was setting the table and smiled in greeting.

Merlin had opted to stay and work at the circus, but that meant Gaius wanted to teach him everything he knew so he could finally retire. It was important, but it kept Merlin busy most days and they rarely got to see each other.

After that day, Arthur had avoided Merlin for a while. He was trying to get over his anger, but he also had to work through the guilt of how much he and his father had hurt Merlin. He kept reminding himself that Freya was an accident, but it didn’t make things better. Taliesin had referred him to some specialists, so Arthur could continue working on his emotional health as well as physical.

When he heard from Gaius that Merlin was considering leaving, he had sought him out to ask him not to. They had cried, they had talked, and by the end Merlin decided to stay. It was tough, but it was a shifting point in their relationship and they could both begin healing.

Tonight was their first date and Arthur’s palms were already sweating. He told himself it was just because he had to eat Merlin’s cooking, even if he knew it was a lie.

“Right on time, prat.”

“You’re such a romantic,” Arthur said, trying not to smile.

“Only for you.”

Arthur mentally told the butterflies in his stomach to shove off and took his place at the table. It smelled surprisingly good, not that he’d admit it.

“You sure you aren’t poisoning me?”

“I would never,” Merlin gasped dramatically. “Although I have been told my cooking is killer.”

Arthur couldn’t hold back his laugh and the ice broke, allowing for him to finally relax. It was just Merlin. Everything was fine.

They chatted through the meal, discussing plans for the circus, sharing childhood stories. Merlin told Arthur all about growing up in a circus with his parents and he sounded so free, not having to hold anything back for once. 

When the food was gone, they kept talking. The sun had set and the low lighting, turning things serious.

“You’re doing okay, though?” Merlin asked. “With everything?”

Arthur shrugged. “I suppose. I know I can’t defend everything my father did, but I still miss him.”

Merlin placed a hand on his. “You’re allowed to.”

Arthur nodded. “And you?”

“I’m fine,” Merlin said. “It’s been a lot and Mordred is still on my case, but we’re working on a better way for people with magic to get the help they need. I keep hoping we won’t have to hide one day, but…”

Arthur nodded in understanding and turned his hand over, entwining their fingers.

“You don’t have to hide here, though. Not anymore.”

“I don’t,” Merlin whispered.

Arthur bit his lip nervously before giving in and leaning forward, kissing Merlin softly, carefully. Merlin’s free hand went to the back of his neck, bringing him closer to deepen this kiss.

When they broke apart, Arthur was dizzy and Merlin was grinning.

“So,” Arthur ventured. “What’s your take on putting out on the first date?”

Merlin smirked and moved forward, slinging a leg over so he could straddle Arthur’s lap. He brought their mouths together again, this time open and thorough enough to leave Arthur rather breathless.

Merlin pulled back and ground his hips forward against Arthur’s rapidly tightening trousers. He may not have been able to grind back, but he was still able to show a healthy interest in the feeling.

“You’re lucky you’re pretty.”

Arthur laughed, tipping his head back in open invitation for Merlin to press his lips to his neck and suck bruises across the skin.

Arthur held on for dear life, giving up any hope of holding back his moans as Merlin wrecked him, utterly and completely.

When he managed to gather his thoughts for more than a few seconds, he managed to gasp out some words.

“Much as I’m enjoying this.” He hummed with pleasure as Merlin reached his ear, nibbling delightfully. “Maybe we should move to a bed?”

He could feel Merlin rolling his eyes.

“Posh git,” he said against Arthur’s neck.

“Much as I’d love to have my way with you on the table, for our first time…” He trailed off and blushed when Merlin looked up at him with wide eyes.

“I take it back. You’re just a sap.”

Arthur opened his mouth to argue, but Merlin kissed him quiet. He had no complaints, grappling for his wheels so he could move them to his bed.

For the rest of the night, Arthur refused to let Merlin go. Afterwards, when Merlin was sprawled across his chest and breathing softly, Arthur smiled to himself, ready to spend the rest of his life falling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: Omggg I can't believe this fic is over. I've been the worst partner, like this was due a year ago, bless RedPaprika for putting up with me AND for doing so much beautiful art <3 And thank you everyone for reading and commenting, they all made my day. I don't even know a life without this fic as a WIP lol. Hope you all enjoyed!
> 
> Artist's note: Hi everyone, just a quick end note to thank you all again for reading and all your kudos and comments! We both really were super happy to see and read them! I hope you enjoyed the story and my attempts at drawings 😂 I will put all the art for All Out and Over on my Tumblr @rpaprika 😊(after I sleep for like 24 hours 😂)  
> Anyway, I'm really impressed with how my ideas and drawing were interpreted and translated into this fanfiction, so thank you again Penndragon27 for choosing this prompt! Even if we were super late, I'm glad I participated in this Merlin Reverse Bang ☺️


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